What’s it like when nest empties? I’ll tell you

Hello and welcome to today’s edition of Days Like These: The Semi-Empty Nesters edition (also known as the Semti-Nesters). We’re going to kick things off with a quiz. Feel free to play along at home. And here we go: Question: We’re interested in knowing how your grocery shopping has changed in the weeks since your taller-than-you boys moved out. (In case you missed our last instalment, one is off at university, but presumably will return in the spring. The other one is working and living downtown.) What have you given up buying entirely? a) Cheerios b) Cheese strings. c) Chardonnay. Answer: a) and b). Also: Duh. Question: With all the money that’s being saved on groceries, semti-nesters may like to save up for something special like a big trip, perhaps, or a kitchen renovation? Please elaborate on what you plan to do with all that extra cash. Answer: You don’t have kids, right? Also: Tuition. True of false: We hear that the other night at dinner, you and some friends from your university days were discussing your eyeglass prescriptions and the benefits of progressive lenses vs. computer glasses. This seems kind of lame. Answer. Perhaps. Also: Glasses are expensive, all right? It’s good to get advice. Question: Now that the kids are out of the house, we’re assuming that the quality of your television viewing has risen significantly. What’s the last thing you watched? a) The series finale of Breaking Bad, even though you had never seen a full episode before but didn’t want to look stupid at work. b) A gripping documentary on the impact of global warming on the endangered persnicketer. c) You were going to watch the Tina Fey episode of Saturday Night Live but forgot because the kid you usually watch it with is living downtown and you don’t have a PVR. d) Your remote is so fancy you can’t figure out how to turn on the TV now that the kids are gone. Answer: D. (Oh, we have a note from the judges. It says: “Wow, you people are hopeless. Maybe it’s the batteries.”) Also: Does anybody have any batteries? Question: The eighth annual Nuit Blanche community arts festival just took place in Toronto over the weekend. Please describe in 50 words or less which events you enjoyed the most, and why. Answer: Um. Well. Is that the thing that goes on all night? Yeah, we were going to go but then we fell asleep after the Leaf game. Also: Pretty sure it was supposed to rain. Question: So you like to stay in. Read any good books lately? Answer: No, but did you hear that Bridget Jones’s husband is dead? Also: It’s already preordered. V. excited. Furthermore: Really? He’s dead? Question: Speaking of dead, detail your reasons for initially withholding from the younger kid that his fish expired a couple of weeks after he left for university. Cite examples from parenting experts. Answer: Well, the stupid fish died the same day we went to visit the kid. Seemed harsh to call him up later and say, “It was great to see you and by the way, don’t bother buying any more fish food.” Also: It’s a fish. He’ll probably get over it. Question: It will be nice to see everyone together on the long weekend. How many people are coming to your house for Thanksgiving dinner? a) Everybody. b) Nobody. c) That’s still under discussion. Answer: C. Also: If you’d like to come, please bring a chair. Question: Once you’ve eaten all that turkey, you might consider getting into some sort of exercise regimen. Now that you’ve got a bit more free time, perhaps this might be the year you actually attend yoga class. True or False? Answer: True. Also: Shut up. Kathryn Laskaris writes every other Monday. klaskaris@thestar.ca