> POP GOES THE WEEK

Rumours persist that Gordon Ramsay recently got a second

hair transplant Says a rep for Ramsay, "Shut your bleeping bleep, you bleeping liar."

To prepare for playing Elton John in the upcoming biopic, Tom Hardy has been wearing the singer’s old clothes Is it weird that I find the thought of Tom Hardy in a boa . . . interesting?

Rumours persist that Matt Damon will play Aquaman in the upcoming Justice League movie Says a rep for Damon, "Shut your splashing soak, you dripping liar."

Tori Spelling was secretly hospitalized for six days And by "secretly" we mean "filmed from all angles and saved for sweeps."

Chrissy Teigen says that she and husband John Legend recently had mile-high sex under a blanket in first class and that "I feel like we should get a trophy for that" Appropriate responses to this unsolicited information include 1) Eww. 2) Blerg. 3) Firstclass cooties, amirite? 4) Gross. 5) Still not as bad as the four snotty toddlers screaming nonstop on my last nine-hour flight.

Rumours persist that Miley Cyrus’s recent hospital stay was actually a stay in rehab Says a rep for Miley, "Shut your mollying sizzurp, you mething liar."

Paul Simon and Edie Brickell are arrested after a domestic dispute, Rob Ford seeks help and George Clooney gets engaged to a lawyer We have a three-way-tie in the Most Unexpected Headline Ever contest. Sorry, "Kim Kardashian learns to read," "Justin Timberlake reunites with ’N Sync for world tour" and "Those are totally Charlie Sheen’s real teeth."

Rumours persist that Rihanna and Katy Perry were observed dancing very, very close Says a rep for the two, "Shut your titillating tantalizer, you fantasizing liar."

Dean McDermott says that "I have a brain that wants to kill me. I have a brain that wants me dead" That’s actually a really, really excellent idea for a great movie. Although, perhaps not starring Dean McDermott.

Chris Martin says he’s largely to blame for the split from Gwyneth Paltrow In that he really wanted to get away from her.

Fox announces a live broadcast

of the musical Grease Fortunately for us all, Justin Bieber can neither sing nor wear tight pants.

Celebrity Math Question: If, after 12 years, Enrique Iglesias’ dad Julio has never met Enrique’s girlfriend and Willie Nelson received a fifth-degree black belt in karate, will Kim and Kanye have a total of three wedding ceremonies? Answer: Probably, because Cameron Diaz hasn’t used antiperspirant in 20 years and Seth Rogen expected to hate Zac Efron when they met eight years ago.

Koregtion When we wrote Kevin Federline, now the father of six children, has more females and more people of colour in his brood than the upcoming Star

Wars movie has in its just-announced cast, we were not aware of the persistent rumour Lupita Nyong’o might be added to the cast. Damn you, reality.