> POP GOES THE WEEK
Miley Cyrus’s stolen Maserati has been found and police say they’re looking for a white male in his early 20s wearing skinny jeans Whew. Guess Justin Bieber is off the hook this time.
According to a “source,” Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell split because Evan is more focused on being a mother than a wife while, at the same time, being “edgy and adventurous” Coincidentally, Evan’s neighbour just received a deluxe fruit basket.
This week in exciting pub
lishing news 1) Kylie and Kendall Jenner are busy promoting their first novel, Rebels: City of Indra. 2) A Harry Styles-centric work of fan fiction will be published by Simon & Schuster, which bought the series in a “mid-six-figure deal.” 3) I wrote something about feet on a random bathroom door.
Charlie Hunnam says it was a “heartbreaking choice” to quit
Fifty Shades of Grey And by “heartbreaking” he means “Woohoo! Who’s the man? Hell yay!”
“Gangnam Style” reaches two billion YouTube views My mom finally got around to watching.
What Makes You Feel Worse About Your Life and Human Life in General? Selena Gomez putting her “starter home” up for sale for $3.4 million, or a new show called I Slept With a Celebri
ty, or Katy Perry releasing a fragrance called Royal Revolution, which “is about female empowerment and breaking the rules” and contains blackthorn because it “was known in the dark ages for having magical powers.”
Shailene Woodley says “the word ‘feminist’ is a word that discriminates, and I’m not into that. I don’t think there has to be a separation in life in anything” Possible appropriate answers to that statement include “blergh,” “puppies are pretty” and “no carrots for the clown people.”
Screenwriter William Nicholson says his movie Mandela: Long Walk to Freedom didn’t win
awards because 12 Years a Slave “sucked up all the guilt about black people that was available” Which explains why Nicholson will henceforth be known as that writer who writes “don’t say every stupid thing that comes into my stupid head” over and over in chalk on the sidewalk.
James Middleton, the brother of Kate Middleton, has a brandnew business printing Instagram
images on marshmallows He was going to get into making boats for cats, but Britney Spears’ sister had that market cornered.
Brad Pitt says the guy who attacked him at Maleficent premiere was a “nutter” But Brad put on his wellies, gave him a swift kick and, Bob’s your uncle! the shirty chav was gone.
Jonah Hill, Justin Bieber and Pharrell apologize profusely for, respectively, using a homophobic slur, telling a racist joke and wearing a Native American headdress “Young bleeps. Brings a bleep to one’s eye,” said Alec Baldwin, Mel Gibson and Paula Deen in a joint statement. There’s no reason to spend time with friends and family when you can read my blog at thestar.com/stargazing instead. marpe@thestar.ca