Washington situation sordid affair all around

It’s always easy to make fun of the Washington R------s, so let’s not waste any more time, and dive right in. God, these guys. What a clown show. What a racist, ridiculous clown show. Did we mention they are suing five Native Americans who are offended by the team name? Because they are suing five Native Americans who are offended by the team name.

Once, they sued a grandmother who had to give up her season tickets for financial reasons, so this is just a logical progression.

It’s been eventful lately for the Washingtons, so it’s good they have this week off to be terrible in private. The five Native Americans they are suing complained about the name to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, which then removed the protection on the patent for the name because it’s racist, so the Washingtons sued the people who complained. As one does.

There was also the thing where players were yelling over media interviews and at the PR staff because they had to talk in the locker room after practice. They yelled over an interview by quarterback Robert Griffin III, which caused ESPN to report the locker room had lost faith in him, which the local beat reporters disputed, saying no, the players are just being jerkwads. In fairness, this appears to be team policy.

The Washingtons have produced a team TV show that featured a seemingly fraudulent self-described Indian chief; hired a lobbying firm, and also former George W. Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer and Republican word-mangling guru Frank Luntz; created a convenient charitable foundation, which tried to redefine the team name as only ever referring to the team itself, as if the rest of the world did not actually exist, and has never existed. Which, in fairness, is a philosophical position which neatly erases many years of humiliation for the team. The Washingtons: floating in a void in which only they and their lawyers truly have form, undefeated.

It’s amazing, in its way. It’s like an NFL team as extremely clumsy metaphor. Washington’s NFL franchise is appropriating not only a racial slur that refers to the people whom were displaced in order to form the nation, but is now appropriating the worst techniques of the modern political age, replete with consultants, astroturf groups, lobbying, and the wedge issues which have split America. Also, they mirror the local legislatures in their habit of housing bellowing incompetents. I used to think the best name change would be the Washington Americans, and in some ways it’s terribly appropriate. But on the other hand, I realize this would just offend a lot of good Americans. Back to the drawing board. Last week this space went 8-5. Pleased to announce I’m suing the pants off the Cincinnati Bengals, the San Diego Chargers, the San Francisco 49ers, the Denver Broncos, and the Baltimore Ravens. The Ravens are pretty used to testifying, though. As always, all these lines could change.

THE PICKS

Dallas (-7.5) at Jacksonville Tony Romo had two small fractures in his back when he came back and played last week, as it turns out, and then he flew across the Atlantic for this London game against the Jaguars, and Jerry Jones says he’s probably going to play. Guys: Treasure every Tony Romo moment. Seriously. It could end any second. Pick: Dallas Tennessee (+9.5) at Baltimore So according to Don Van Natta Jr. of ESPN, Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome testified under oath that Ray Rice told NFL commissioner Roger Goodell that Rice hit his then-fiancée Janay Palmer in the casino elevator. Goodell had said Rice’s account was ambiguous. I guess we’ll see, Rog. Pick: Baltimore Atlanta (-2.5) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Mike Glennon revealed that he had been replaced as the team’s starting quarterback by Josh McCown, and did so on Glennon’s weekly radio show. Takeaway: Mike Glennon had a radio show! It was on Tampa’s ESPN affiliate. It must have been terribly, terribly sad that week. Pick: Atlanta Denver (-11) at Oakland Jersey Report listed the most popular NFL jersey among female fans in all 50 states, and they were quarterbacks in only 24 of them, which seemed low. Peyton Manning had two states: Colorado and Montana. Russell Wilson, meanwhile, had four. And in the saddest news, Jake Locker rules Tennessee. Pick: Denver St. Louis (+6.5) at Arizona There were approximately 3,000 protestors at Washington’s game in Minnesota last week, most of whom were Native American. There was a report of a counter-protest a few blocks away that was much smaller, and which some protestors claimed was funded by . . . Dan Snyder! Gosh, doesn’t sound like him. Pick: Arizona Carolina (+6.5) at Philadelphia When Mark Sanchez was a New York Jet, he managed a 71.9 quarterback rating in five years during which an average QB was between 82 and 87. He threw 68 touchdowns, and 69 interceptions. And now, with Nick Foles hurt, finally, this is Mark Sanchez’s Entourage comeback movie moment. Or, total failure. Whichever. Pick: Philadelphia

ALSO …

Kansas City (-2) at Buffalo Pick: Kansas City Miami (+2.5) at Detroit Pick: Miami San Francisco (+5.5) at New Orleans Pick: San Francisco Pittsburgh (-4) at N.Y. Jets Pick: Pittsburgh N.Y. Giants (+9) at Seattle Pick: Seattle Chicago (+7) at Green Bay Pick: Green Bay Byes: New England, San Diego, Indianapolis, Minnesota, Houston, Washington. Last week: 8-5 Season: 64-69-1