> POP GOES THE WEEK
Angelina Jolie got the chickenpox and Sidney Crosby got the mumps “So my work here is done,” cackles anti-vaccination crusader Jenny McCarthy.
Ariana Grande says she dress
es like her mother We assume Ariana Grande’s mother works as a cigarette girl in a 1930s nightclub or as a cat-impersonator.
This week in the Sony hack 1) An executive wrote of Michael Fassbender: “Shame just makes you feel bad to have normal-sized male genitalia.” 2) Sony folds like a cheap remake and cancels the release of The Interview. It is an outrage and a blatant attack on freedom of expression, artistic choices, the very fabric of society and Western values and we must all search our souls. Furthermore, the hackers are seriously falling down on the job when it comes to providing more specific information about Michael Fassbender.
Lindsay Lohan says London is good for her because she goes for a morning run instead of partying all night That explains London’s new tourist slogan: “So boring we drove Lindsay Lohan to sobriety and exercise. Yay!”
Zoe Saldana gives birth to
twins One is green, one is blue.
Taylor Swift celebrated her
25th birthday Guests included Lena Dunham, Beyoncé, Jay Z, Ansel Elgort, Sam Smith, Karlie Kloss, 5 Seconds of Summer, HAIM, Selena Gomez, Justin Timberlake, Kelly Osbourne, Nick Jonas, Charli XCX, Chrissy Teigen, Shawn Mendes and Jaime King. Wow! That was pretty much everyone except you, Tommy Two-tooth and Amy the Hamster Girl. Wait. Sorry. Amy was there.
Coca-Cola ends its American
Idol sponsorship Jennifer Lopez, for one, is upset as “It’s difficult pretending to enjoy pretending to drink root beer or orange pop.”
Seth MacFarlane threw a holi
day party Guests included Charlize Theron, Leonardo DiCaprio, Robert Pattinson, Sean Penn, FKA twigs, Zac Efron, Kate Beckinsale, Martin Scorsese, Ryan Seacrest, Matt Bomer, Darren Criss, Camilla Belle and Emile Hirsch. It’s a really tough call, but Charlize Theron and Martin Scorsese strike me as scrappers while Selena Gomez and everyone in 5 Seconds of Summer would just start crying. I’ll take Seth’s party over Taylor’s party by four points.
Milla Anderson-Jovovich wants to change her name to Jovovich
Anderson She really wanted Jovoanvichderson, but a pharmaceutical company owns that.
The director of Frozen apologizes to parents who are sick of
“Let It Go” “That’s nice,” said a parent, “but I’m personally more concerned with the constant requests to build a bleeping snowman. We live in an apartment on the 33rd floor. My children do nothing but cry.”
This week in ick 1) “There was dog poop everywhere and her once-white couch is covered in burn marks and unidentifiable stains,” someone says of Miley Cyrus’s house. 2) Mama June and Sugar Bear are offered $1 million for a sex tape. 3) Johnny Lydon says there will be no Sex Pistols reunion because they’re all fat. Have a wonderful whatever holiday-thingy you’re particular to.