> POP GOES THE YEAR
> Katy Perry’s "Dark Horse," Nicki Minaj’s "Anaconda" and Meghan Trainor’s "All About That Bass" were the top three most popular music videos in Canada this past year Which just goes to show that women really rule the music business or, more realistically, that people spend way too much time searching for animal videos on YouTube.
> Conscious uncouplings 1) Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon. 2) Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. 3) Robin Thicke and Paula Patton. 4) Katy Perry and John Mayer. 5) Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas. 6) Frieda Pinto and Dev Patel. 7) Kim Kardashian and the very last vestige of her oiled-up self-respect.
> Major celebrity feuds included Gwyneth Paltrow vs. Martha Stewart, Jay Z vs. Solange Knowles and Justin Bieber vs. Orlando Bloom But, no worries, everything is fine now since they all agreed on hating Iggy Azalea.
> George Clooney unexpectedly got married to Amal Alamuddin and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie surprisingly tied the knot “Whatever. Good for them,” say Burger King and Tim Hortons. “We’ll always have the sweet memories of our own ceremony and our four bridesmaids Fat, Sugar, Salt and Undetermined Substance.”
> Notable celebrity baby names 1) Christina Aguilera called her daughter Summer Rain. 2) Pete Wentz’s new son Saint Lazslo joined big brother Bronx Mowgli. 3) Lil Kim’s daughter was named Royal Reign. 4) Megan Fox’s son was christened Bodhi Ransom. 5) John Travolta named his long-lost daughter Adele Dazeem.
> Mariah Carey and Jennifer Lopez’s new albums both flopped and everyone got very angry when U2’s Age of Innocence appeared on their Apple devices ”Oh boooo-hoo for you," said Robin Thicke as he counted the sales of his break-up album on the toes and fingers of 261⁄2 former supermodels.
> The Hunger Games’ Josh Hutcherson expressed an interest in finding out what human flesh tastes like Said the Eaten Alive anaconda, “I’ll tell you what it tastes like: like riot gear and deep disappointment with a hint of questionable morals.”
> Pharrell’s hat, Kanye West and Groot were the best sidekicks of the year "Hey! what about us," said Matthew McConaughey’s
True Detective beer can men.
> Billy Ray Cyrus and Vanilla Ice both reached out to Justin Bieber offering to help him get his life
back on track “People are so rude,” said Justin. “What could some dude mostly famous for his hair and a guy whose music career was over before he turned 25 possibly know about my life?”
> Korexions & Klarifikazions 1) Yes, it is true 2014’s most idiotic new word "bae" translates to "poop" in my native language. No, it’s not true it makes me giggle uncontrollably every time someone says it. Or every time I read it. Or think it. 2) While the past 12 months gave us Oscar selfies, belfies, #JustWokeUp selfies, funeral selfies, #AfterSex selfies, toilet selfies and even a few elfies, there is no proof sealfies exist and I was wrong to suggest it. 3) Kim Jong Un’s haircut does most definitely not resemble “something I once saw on a third-tier ’90s boy band member.” A thousand apologies. #IWasDrunk. #Don’tHurtMe. #SethRogenSucks. 4) It is correct that I didn’t listen to Serial or watch The Affair and Boyhood. But after some serious soul-searching and some time to reconsider, I now have to grudgingly admit . . . that I still don’t want to. 5) Yes, mom, sulking over not being invited to Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka’s wedding was, in retrospect, a complete waste of time.