If boyfriend becomes a dad, offer support
I’ve been with my on-off boyfriend for a couple of years. Several months ago, I decided that I wasn’t happy and started seeing someone else. I broke my boyfriend’s heart. He eventually moved on. And it broke my heart. We talked it out; things were going well, until he told me the girl he’d been seeing while we were apart might be pregnant.
I don’t know how to deal with it. I feel like it’s my fault because I pushed him away. We want to be together again more than anything.
I know it is not the child’s fault (we’ll know soon if there is one), but I honestly don’t think I could love that child. The guy I was seeing had a daughter, whom I loved like she was my own. But with my boyfriend, I’m supposed to be the one to start a family with him, not someone else.
I don’t think I can handle seeing another woman hold his first child. Not The Mother
Whether she’s pregnant or not, it’s how you anticipate rejecting an innocent child that’s of interest.
Your relationship wasn’t steadily committed — two years “off and on.” Then you “decide” you’re unhappy. But as soon as your boyfriend moved on, you wanted him back . . . forever, but not with this child.
Time to think through your own feelings of loyalty as well as love. Are you ready to be with someone for the long-term, through thick and thin?
If there is a child, he has a father’s responsibilities. And his partner — if it’s you — must be prepared to help support him. Or you’ll never last. This potential “child” is just an early warning sign that relationships require maturity and aren’t about only getting what you want. He’s been my friend since childhood (40-plus years). But I no longer want to associate with him.
He’s very cheap. He’d never lend a cent. He’d never help me in need either. His excuses are lies. But I’ve always helped him when needed.
He lives alone in a big house with an empty garage. But he refuses to let me use it for 20 minutes to protect me from the cold to change a car fuse. When I’m around him and his parents, he says everything I do is wrong. There are always things I do that insult his parents. He’s very mean to me when they’re around. My wife has noticed how bad his behaviour has been toward me. He’s very envious of me and has even shown interest in women whom he knew I was interested in.
I’ve invited him to almost all family events.
I finally decided to end contact when I asked for help with something and he refused in front of the entire family.
He’s now constantly calling and asking to get together with no clue as to my feelings. Finally Fed Up
It seems you’ve been extremely forgiving for a long time and need have no regrets about ending this unequal friendship.
It’d be fairer to tell him why you have to end contact, but he hasn’t been fair in dealing with you.
What’s remarkable is how long you put up with his mean, selfish, cheap behaviour.
Unfortunately, when people who treat others badly are not told off and called to account, they think it’s acceptable.
Something to think about so that your good-hearted nature doesn’t have you feeling guilty and falling back into the old pattern.
Tip of the day Think through whether the relationship you’re fighting for is the one you intend to keep through life’s challenges. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.