Time isn’t right to seek relationship with depressed friend

The guy I like and have known for three years suffers from depression. He says he’s had feelings for me since the beginning, but he doesn’t want anything serious right now.

We’ve both had short relationships within the time we’ve known each other, but the spark between us has always sort of been there. I want to be serious with him. He said he doesn’t want to hurt me and shouldn’t be in a relationship.

Should I wait around, try my best to help him through this and hope for the best? Or should I just listen to his words and move on? Eager Girlfriend A relationship can’t thrive on what only one person wants.

He’s been very clear and also very fair.

He cannot handle a serious relationship now. That’s why he’s only had short-term involvements.

He knows what he experiences through this depression and doesn’t want to bring you closer, knowing that his condition might cause him to hurt you in some way, such as through distancing or rejection.

Stay friends if you can, but do not build expectations or false hopes. He needs to deal with his treatment — whether therapy alone or with medication.

The best “help” you can give him is encouragement to continue treatment and avoid pursuing your own interests regarding him while ignoring his wishes. I am a former pro athlete, for which I trained since childhood. I was wholly immersed in that life. Injury forced me out almost 20 years ago. I know that career, that life, is over, but admit to being in denial about it on the inside.

I keep secretly thinking all I need is one good chance and it can all be restored. My attempts to start a new career have been thwarted several times.

I’ve been back to graduate school three times and each time was interrupted by an international move (spouse’s work), physical problems and other limitations I’ve been unable to control or alter.

Now that I live in Quebec there is also a major problem with the language barrier, as far as work is concerned.

I’ve always worked and supported myself, but it has mostly been with entry-level, physical jobs.

I’ve almost accepted that will be my life, since I enjoy physical labour, moving, being active. But now pain and complications from my most recent surgery have left me with a significant risk of reinjury.

I cannot do heavy lifting, bend, kneel, squat, stretch, run or sit for longer than 30 minutes.

It eliminates the one satisfying thing I love — activity — and leaves me dependent for certain household chores.

No sports, no gardening, no yoga, no physical exertion at work.

Yes, I’m in therapy. Still forcing myself to socialize, volunteer, work.

But the sorrow just won’t leave. I feel no hope for independence, financial stability, meaning, accomplishment or a day without pain. Living With Sadness Stay with your therapy, but also investigate some additional modes of positive thinking and mind calming such as meditation, breathing exercises, etc.

Hopefully, readers, some of them injured athletes with dashed hopes like yourself, will have some suggestions for you which I’ll publish.

Socializing with people you like, volunteering and working to feel some independent accomplishment at any level will prevent allowing yourself to be isolated.

You need to stay mentally stimulated through conversation, reading, exploring new ideas . . . whatever holds your interest.

I look forward to receiving other suggestions from readers through ellie@thestar.ca. Tip of the day A relationship can’t go forward on only one person’s push. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.