Be certain before telling on cheater
My best friend’s boyfriend is very flirtatious, but my friend doesn’t seem to mind. She bravely says, “He’s a player and he’ll always be one.”
He also rarely works, while she works at four jobs to keep them going. We once asked her, if we see him with another woman, would she want to know? She gave a resounding “Yes!” Last month, my boyfriend and I saw her boyfriend at a club, holding another woman’s hand. He took off as soon as he saw us. I haven’t told her yet because I’m sure she’ll say he’s just being himself and he was with “a friend.” What should I do? Is it worth telling her when she’s in denial? Out a Player? She already knows, but doesn’t want to know.
If you bring this sighting, or any other to her face, you’d need to be absolutely sure he’s cheating with someone and not just out with a “friend.”
And to what purpose? She’s long ago decided that it’s OK to be with a player, who’s also a user, whom she’s supporting through considerable effort.
Unfortunately, your friend must have very little self-confidence to believe that he’s the best she can get.
Or, she’s blinded by love as well as low self-esteem.
What you saw in the club is too easily dismissed.
If you ever have real goods on the guy, tell her you’re concerned that accepting this player will result in her getting a sexually transmitted disease.
Add that you’re now positive that he’s having at least one affair.
Protecting her health, instead of her self-image, may be the one thing to which she’ll pay attention.
Meanwhile, stay close without judging her.
She’ll need all her supportive friends one day.
Ellie, you’ve had many letters from young women voicing concerns about their boyfriends or young husbands using porn.
However, it seems that no one is talking about women in long- term marriages whose husbands are now consumed with porn.
It leaves women like me feeling destroyed and alone.
I’m fit, attractive for my age, still full of vim and vigour, yet I live a life of loneliness. When my husband’s home, he sits at his computer looking at porn.
Instead of coming to bed with me, he stays up all night looking at porn.
When he’s out of town, he’s at strip clubs. And I’m the one who feels shame and humiliation! If our grown children knew about this, I don’t know what they’d think. I know from my research that this has now moved into sex addiction behaviour and that the Internet is like the crack cocaine of this type of addiction. Can I be the only one who’s going through this? What would you advise women living with this nightmare? Where to Turn? I’m certain that other women in your situation will soon let us know they’re out there and I’ll publish their responses.
Here’s my answer: contact a lawyer and your bank to make sure your accounts and assets can’t be diverted and leave him to his porn.
Get counselling for yourself to put the shame where it belongs — not on you. Tell your children straight up what’s been going on and how long you endured it.
If this doesn’t shock him into seeing a sex therapist to deal with his addiction, plus try to win you back, end the marriage.
The loneliness of being with someone who ignores, neglects and humiliates you is far greater than creating a fresh start on your own.
It seems that no one is talking about women in long-term marriages whose husbands are now consumed with porn
Tip of the day
A friend who accepts a partner’s cheating will eventually need more support than judgment. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.