Readers share tips to escape an abusive husband

Part Two of readers’ responses after a woman wrote of her co-worker’s life with an abusive husband (April 11): Reader No.1: I went through a similar situation for 21 years. Some suggestions to help this woman:

When my husband was arrested, a victims’ services representative (local units can be accessed through police or the courts) accompanied me to my home and helped me continue with a safe plan.

They provided someone to accompany me during court appearances to lend support.

The police will take a video statement and they’re very kind and caring throughout this. Know that it’ll take a few hours and be mentally exhausting.

Bring a friend, if possible, for support after (usually not allowed to be present during the interview).

Prepare beforehand by writing down approximate dates of abuse. Note the names of people who no- ticed bruising or doctors who tended any injuries (even if she lied at the time to cover for her husband).

Counselling is hugely important. Set that up soon as sometimes there’s a wait list.

She’ll likely need to request days off work for court, police, counselling, etc.

She’ll also need her son, who works, to leave the home when she leaves (to avoid his father).

Gathering any important documents and securing them somewhere safe is helpful, but not worth risking his noticing.

Most importantly, a really good friend (such as her co-worker) needs to be available throughout this. Someone who won’t judge. There may be a lot of self-blaming as she may look at her life and children, and blame herself for not leaving sooner.

She needs to keep hearing it’s not her fault.

She may have finally spoken about her situation because she’s terrified, embarrassed or found someone to trust.

Clothing and other necessities are available at the shelter. It’s not worth it to try to sneak these things out beforehand.

If she presses charges immediately upon leaving, her husband will be arrested.

She should know there are others like her who have finally broken free and are living with less daily fear.

It’ll be the single most important thing she will ever do for herself. Never go back to him.”

Reader No. 2: This woman’s marriage is a lot more common than we think. While many women in Canada know their rights, many don’t and are afraid.

There is currently Bill S7, Zero Tolerance for Barbaric Cultural Practices Act, which is an act to amend the Immigration and Refugee Protection Act, the Civil Marriage Act and the Criminal Code so that it becomes a criminal offence to keep women in a marriage against her will.

One of the key driving forces behind this legislation is Aruna Papp, a survivor of 18 years of domestic violence known as “honour-based violence.”

With help from friends she met in Canada, she was able to leave her marriage and set up an organization to help others. See preventhonorbasedviolence.ca.

Other organizations such as the Act to End Violence have resources for women such as the Barbra Schlifer Commemorative Clinic (Toronto) which offers counselling, legal and interpreter services.

With a controlling spouse, it’d be difficult for this woman to reach out on her own.

So, at a minimum, her worried co-worker and others can reach out to these organizations and/or shelters, on her behalf, to explain the situation and work with the organization to develop a safe plan for her. Tip of the day If you suspect or witness abuse of a friend or relative who feels trapped, find and provide information on getting help. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice