Don’t trust that secret life will stay hidden

I am what my master calls a submissive queen.

I’m 100-per-cent open and honest with men I date about who and what I want.

I’ve chosen men carefully after very deep conversations. They want to be part of a world where they can have their fantasies, plus their normal lives.

I’ve created rules and if one is broken I’ll never see the man again.

I’m in full control of who will dominate me, with different levels for each man.

But some people feel I should keep all this quiet.

My real friends accept me. They respect that I can be a normal mother for my son and teach him to respect women.

Yet, I fear that my ex-husband will discover my secret lifestyle, though it only happens during my private time, when my son is with his father.

But if he finds out, he’ll twist it; make it dirty, disgusting, abusive and destructive. He’ll somehow force me to be separated from my son. I don’t even know what advice I’m seeking. Submissive You’re scared. You present your self-styled version of 50 Shades of Grey to boast about your independence.

But you’re conflicted, knowing it can affect the most important part of your life — your mother-son relationship.

His father may discover your “secret” . . . friends, sex partners, and even so-called masters gossip.

He will see it as you describe — unhealthy for his son to know about his mother.

Your sex life with consenting partners is not my business. But I see the red flags: as the constant “submissive,” you risk someone physically harming you. It’ll be too late to rely on your “rules.”

As a free agent, you could play any role you want.

But as a parent, you’re playing with fire that could divide you from your child. And you know it. My husband and I are early 50s with three teenage sons. There’s been no affection between us for 12 years.

After constant rejection, I gave up on even hugging and handholding. My husband’s now morbidly obese, short-tempered, does little around the house.

I also work full time and get home two hours later. He’s usu- ally playing video games, hasn’t started dinner, nor spent time with the kids.

He IS trustworthy and reliable. But I don’t feel any love, just a sense of our earlier history.

I have no assets, his family’s well off. I don’t want to live without my kids, but I can’t afford to live in this area on my own. I don’t know if I could look after the kids well enough.

I also worry about the pain a separation will cause extended family members. Lonely Marriage

Unless you signed away all your rights in a pre-nuptial agreement (and these can be tested in court), you’re entitled to a share in the marital assets — such as the house, a cottage, etc.

And you’re entitled to financial support for housing, feeding and educating your sons if they live with you even part time, and for their college education.

Get legal advice immediately, so you can talk to your husband knowledgably. Tell him you no longer want to live without affection or partnership.

But consider counselling. You sound depressed from loneliness, and he faces serious health issues from obesity.

He also appears to be hiding from the relationship, perhaps humiliated by his physical condition.

For the sake of “earlier history,” and of your sons having a healthy father, suggest counselling even if you eventually decide to separate. Tip of the day: Parents should never trust that their “secret lives” will remain hidden from their children. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.