Speak up if routine is dulling a relationship

I’m fed up with the life my live-in boyfriend accepts. We both work, we each have friends we see on our own and two couples we see together. We don’t go out just as a couple. We watch videos at home or go online separately, after my kids go to sleep. I’m starting to look at dating sites.

My boyfriend’s a good guy, but we’re going nowhere. I have two kids from a former relationship; he has none and doesn’t want us to have one together because of the expense. Am I wrong to be wondering who else is out there for me? Restless and Wondering

It’s never wrong to examine your current life. But it’s wrong to blame everything on your partner and start trolling for a replacement.

If you’re fed up, speak up. Offer what you are prepared to do to make life together different and more pleasing to you both.

Many couples get into a routine that eventually starts to feel stale.

Change some of your own habits — such as doing physical exercise instead of watching videos — to encourage him.

Get tickets for something you’d both enjoy, such as a local sports or music event. Keep it casual, just something new to share.

However, if this is about far more — your boyfriend not wanting to have kids with you — say what’s really bothering you.

Do you want more children, or just resent that he’s closed that door? Are finances a reasonable concern, or just his excuse?

You need an open discussion about this relationship, now.

I joined a company 14 years ago and connected with one co-worker immediately.

She later became my direct boss and worked me harder than everyone to ensure she wasn’t perceived as playing favourites.

She later moved up to senior vice-president and became my “girlfriend” again. We travelled together, hung out after-hours and shared confidences.

Unfortunately, her husband cheated and left her to marry his pregnant girlfriend. He bought a house nearby so he could control her, along with his new family.

During four terrible years, she’d call me every morning to discuss her problems and seek comfort.

Last year, my job was terminated in a company takeover. I was shocked. My “girlfriend” had become unusually silent the week prior. The next morning, she sent a text asking if I was OK. No phone call or consolation.

It’s been eight months and I still haven’t heard a word. I know she thinks I’m mad at her because she believes I blame her for the lost job. Not so.

I was able to secure a new position very quickly. The job wasn’t the issue, my girlfriend was.

But I’m still upset, and resistant to any new girlfriends. I’ve been told to let her know how I feel and see where it goes. I can’t seem to do that. Deeply Disappointed

After eight months, the friendship’s gone. No explanation on her part can be truly satisfying to you.

But it has nothing to do with other friends or the unlikely possibility of a new friend behaving the same way.

This woman’s confidences were intense and deeply personal. Once she held back because of her work position, the bond of dependence on your listening and comforting was gone for her.

She likely found someone else to lean on or, less likely, moved on from her hurt and anger at her husband.

You’re employed and a proven good friend for anyone to have. Time for you to move on.

Tip of the day

When routine dulls your relationship, speak up, instead of blaming and resenting. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.