Casual flirting doesn’t always mean interest

I don’t understand why this guy at work has gone from flirting to nothing. He seemed to be getting closer — calling me “my dear” and singing when he saw me.

He’d come right over to talk and high-five me. He joked to others that he thought I didn’t like him.

Recently, he asked someone if I had a boyfriend. The following week, he was like a different person and barely said anything, seeming to avoid me. I also overheard him telling someone about having his girlfriend’s parents over on the weekend.

Days later, he started chatting again as if nothing has happened. But the flirty tone’s gone.

Maybe I misinterpreted this whole thing. I thought if someone’s inquiring about your dating status, it means they’re interested. But we never exchanged numbers or talked about getting together. His contract at work’s almost up, so I may not even see him again.

I really fell for him and he has no idea how I feel. What to Do?

Do nothing. You didn’t misinterpret, but you did overreact.

Some people are flirty. That’s their “friendly” mode. And yes, asking whether you have a boyfriend, indicated some interest . . . but no action at all. Had you made a similar inquiry about him, you’d have learned earlier that he’s already involved.

In the future, it’s better that you, too, check out someone’s “status” before you imagine that casual flirting holds serious meaning.

And before you allow yourself to believe that you’ve fallen for someone, when nothing much has happened between you. I’m 17, going away to college this fall when I’ll soon be 18. I’ve been dating this guy for the past year behind my mom’s back. He’s everything that she doesn’t want for me. He’s 23, has lots of tattoos, is extremely muscular, with long hair. And he’s an atheist.

I really love him, but I also care what my mom thinks. How do I go about telling her about this guy? And when should I tell her?

Do I lie and tell her I met him in college, or do I tell her that I’ve been dating him for the past year? It’s very important to me that my mom likes him, which makes this even harder for me. Mom’s Worst Fears

You can already see how deceiving your mom for a year makes everything that she’d think is wrong about this guy appear even worse.

I do understand your discomfort, since you care for him. But what about his level of comfort in how this relationship’s been handled so far?

He knows what sneak dating looks like to a teenager’s parent, especially with someone six years older.

Yet he’s been willing for you to lie to your mom and risk her anger at you, rather than be protective and insist that you both prove that he’s responsible and mature.

Speak up now. Tell her you value her approval and want her to meet someone you like a lot. Explain that you’ve been afraid that she’ll dislike his appearance and his atheism. But then be clear to her — and to yourself — about what you see in him beyond his being “different” from mom’s standards. What do you respect and admire?

If you can come up with positive things about his character, she may give him a chance. But if you keep lying and later say you met him at college, you’re building a strong case for her to never accept him. Tip of the day Casual flirting may only be friendly, not a dating signal. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca Follow @ellieadvice