Value yourself first before moving on

I broke up with my boyfriend this week. I’d thought he was “the one” and tried to make it work. Two weeks ago, my best friend (male) died. Then I discovered my boyfriend has feelings for his widow. Worse, he’d been secretly sleeping (supposedly on the couch) in her home for several nights. I’ve ceased all communication with him.

I feel like my best friend was betrayed by his wife who could have asked any of her gal pals, people in the church or family to stay with her.

And I feel betrayed by both of them — her for asking my boyfriend, him for not telling me until I questioned him.

My boyfriend is one of the widow’s ex’s and was invited over weekly for board games. I was hurt by this, because I’d never been invited into my best friend’s new home. Also, the widow had sent me a Christmas card from them last year, but she put the wrong return address so that my card would never reach them.

My friend died thinking I’d forgotten him. I’m having a hard time getting over all of this. Mourning My Friend

Your grief’s compounded — loss of a close friend, your relationship, feelings of betrayal. Add to that, what appears to be deliberate isolation from your boyfriend.

Take time to heal these wounds and for much-needed reflection. As you said, you’d tried to make this boyfriend be “the one.”

Now you’ve learned that certainty about a life partner develops from someone’s caring and openness being equal to your own. Your boyfriend didn’t measure up.

Move on with new resolve to value yourself before you overvalue someone else. If you feel held back by loss, talk to a grief counsellor. I’m 27, married for two years. My parents never liked my husband, nor his family, as my mother-in- law’s difficult and the two families do things very differently. On the night before our wedding, my mom and mother-in-law had a heated quarrel, which almost led to a breakup. But I love my husband and I get along fine with his family.

I try hard to hold the two families together. But there’s very limited interaction between them.

Even I don’t visit my parents very often any more, maybe once a month.

I’d thought everyone could get past this . . . until today when I called my mom. She started lashing out at me again (she feels she’s been hurt and just can’t keep it in). She and my dad still want me to get a divorce though she says, I won’t be worth much as a “divorced woman.”

I love my parents despite this. What can I do to help them see that I’m a grown up, in a happy marriage? That I can make my own choices?

And that constant lashing out is only pushing me further away?

It feels like they’re blaming their own unsuccessful life on me. They think I put shame on them for having chosen such a “difficult and different” family. Caught Between Families

If you love your husband, your life and loyalty is now more attached to him than your parents.

Tell them you love them and want them in your life, but they must stop promoting a divorce and stop berating you.

They don’t have to be close to your in-laws, but you won’t accept their badmouthing them. Keep contact but show firmness as to how you’ll conduct your married life. It’s possible that if they have future grandchildren, they’ll soften their resistance.