> OFF THE RACK
US
Cover: Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert — the Brangelina of F-150 drivers — have split up, and it’s inexplicable, besides the bits about their seldom living together, and he might be cheating and he wants kids and she doesn’t. They could have decided these issues before they married, but like mom said, “What are you, a jinx?” Just duet: DJ Calvin Harris is finally going to introduce his parents to Taylor Swift. Their expected first words: “It’d be nice to have an actual musician in the family.” Ring of truth: Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe got to reject the runner-up bachelor during his proposal. Great TV drama, and it sets a high bar for next season’s rejections: I recommend a trap door or maybe a catapult.
STAR
Cover: Hiring your ex-wife’s lookalike as your assistant, and then falling in love with her: Tom Cruise is living a Hitchcock movie, without the murders. His new lady, Emily, is the same age as his daughter Isabella; Star thinks that’s embarrassing, but if they become BFFs and start oversharing, this mildly diverting story can finally become vividly tacky. Speaking of rerun romance: Justin Bieber is looking to rekindle things with Selena Gomez and God. Hey Justin: God and Gomez might be happier being just friends.
OK!
Cover: Khloe Kardashian is sleeping with Lamar Odom and James Harden, but get your mind out of the gutter, NBA fans: it’s a rotation, not a double-team. (For non-NBA fans: she’s pulling a Bristowe.) She sometimes dallies with Odom, whom she only divorced last week, and now she films her family dramas uncertain who the father of her unborn child is, which is not only shameful, but obviously derivative of Maury Povich. Carey that burden: Mariah Carey demands hourly contact with her billionaire BF, insists that only her music be heard and only allows sex on Mondays. (His likely response: “only on Mondays with you.”) Special note: Last week’s Off the Rack got a vital detail wrong: Ruby Rose claims to have slept with Demi Lovato, not Demi Moore. We thank the reader that corrected us; all readers with news of beautiful celebrities’ dalliances are invited to send them — in as much detail as humanly possible — to entertain@thestar.ca. Garnet Fraser