Step-grandkids should be in will
My eldest son has two kids. After a messy divorce, he recently remarried; his new wife also comes with a couple of kids. They’re young, 6 and 8, and most of the time live with my son. I don’t especially like these kids; they’re aggressive and noisy, and quite different from my grandkids. Here’s the problem: my wife and I are getting our wills redone. We have a provision in our current wills for our grandkids, but don’t know what to do about the “new kids on the block.” Ethically, if we provide for our grandkids in the will, must we provide for my son’s stepchildren as well?
First, the question of whether you like these kids is irrelevant. Many of us, in candid moments, would admit that even amongst our “natural” grandchildren, there are some we like more than others. Indeed, honest parents might even admit they enjoy one or two of their own kids more than the rest of the litter.
That’s not something to be either proud or ashamed of; it’s just the way life’s cookie crumbles. But affection is a poor tool to use when it’s time to divide assets; even Tommy Smothers would be uneasy with the notion that one kid gets more just because “mom always liked you best.”
The real question is how your son and his new wife define and shape the relationship between their kids and you. Step-kids do not automatically become bona fide step-grandkids. In some cases, parents decide that their kids already have a family, and while they may come to visit occasionally, they aren’t expected to think of you as kin. Other parents, however, encourage their kids to think of stepgrandparents as family in the full sense, with all the blessings and curses that entails.
Several factors influence how this falls out. One of the most important is the age of the offspring; if the kids are already teenagers or young adults, the likelihood of them bonding in a familial way is much less than if they’re younger.
One sure clue lies in what their parents encourage them to call you. Are you “John and Mary” or “Grandpa and Grandma,” “Hans and Elfrieda” or “Opa and Oma”? At 6 and 8, kids likely won’t figure this out on their own, so pay attention to signals their parents send them.
With respect to the will, you have two viable options. The best bet is to remove all the grandkids as named beneficiaries, and divide the “family share” of your assets amongst your own kids. You can include a clause encouraging them to share the wealth with their kids however they deem appropriate; that takes the ball out of your court and places it in theirs.
However, if you insist on naming grandkids, then yes, you should include these new ones as well. At 6 and 8, they are likely to grow into relationship with you, whether you like them now or not. And the resentment caused by exclusion far exceeds any downside of treating them as family.
Ask yourself this: when your obit is written, will these kids be among those you are “fondly remembered by?” If so, write them into the will. Send your questions on ethics to star.ethics@yahoo.ca.