Giving strangers ‘a chance’ late at night is a bad idea

Recently, I was walking home alone on a lively city night around 1a.m. or 2 a.m.

I’d spent the evening with a girlfriend, reminiscing on being a mature, single, professional woman in a big city. And about what we’re looking for in a man. We’d agreed that what matters positively is when the man’s genuinely interested in “you” as a person. We also agreed on the importance of his being simply a nice person.

While waiting for the lights to change at a corner in my neighbourhood, a cyclist passed by. We exchanged cordial smiles. I heard him say to me, “You have a beautiful smile.” My smile deepened. He, very politely extended his hand, introduced himself, and asked “Will you go out to coffee with me?” I was mesmerized by the intense sincerity in his eyes. His demeanour was politeness and niceness embodied.

Yet my overly analytical mind was cautioning: Is this some crazy person? He gave me his name and number and asked me to call him. But between all my conflicting feelings, it didn’t register.

I walked a few steps, and turned to see him circle again on his bicycle and continue on his way. I now wish I’d reacted differently. While there are equal chances that he might be genuine or not, should I have given him a chance? A Second Chance

This answer is for all those women, and men too, who consider giving strangers “a chance” at 2 a.m. because their eyes have a mesmerizing sincerity.

The likelihood of this being a wise choice diminishes with the hour and the location. Don’t risk it. If he’s that interested in you as a person (having only seen your smile and your hesitation), he’ll find a way to be in your neighbourhood and look for you.

If that happens, only have coffee with him in a public place, in daylight. And ask a lot of questions. I’m 21, dating a guy I like a lot. But I have a serious problem with oral sex. He keeps asking me for this but I can’t, and also won’t tell him why.

My ex-boyfriend wanted this all the time but would get angry, saying I wasn’t any good at it because he couldn’t keep an erection.

Our “sessions” would go on for so long I’d feel sickened. I also felt like the failure he said I was.

It’s left me ashamed and insecure about myself as a sexual person.

My refusal to have oral sex is upsetting my current boyfriend and could ruin our relationship. Scared, Upset, Ashamed

You experienced a repeated trauma and it’s called abuse — mental, emotional and physical, too.

It’s cost your self-esteem when it was actually your slimy ex-boyfriend who had the problem.

Erectile dysfunction is unusual for a young man engaged in sex play . . . unless affected by alcohol and drug abuse as the most common cause of ED among young men.

The likelihood of this being a wise choice diminishes with the hour and the location. Don’t risk it.

I’m betting on those, based on his demeaning behaviour towards you.

(For the record, use of steroids is another potential factor. Also, some psychological and health factors).

Sadly, you’ve been left with sexual anxiety.

Talk to a therapist. There’s no shame. You were manipulated to feel fault in yourself when there was none.

Tell your current boyfriend that something in your past has left you with anxiety but you’re looking into how to get past it. Tell him it’s partly because you care about him.

But I urge you to make caring about yourself the priority, to value and protect your self-worth. Tip of the Day Do NOT trust strangers when alone at night. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.