Caught in the hack? The next steps to take — for both cheater and victim,

Cheating can devastate any relationship — but what to do with the remnants? We asked experts to figure out the next steps for both cheater and victim in the wake of the recent hacking of the affair-facilitating service Ashley Madison. If your spouse or partner might be cheating

Confront, talk and be honest, “but not in an accusatory way,” says relationship expert Kimberly Moffit, who heads KMA Therapy in Toronto.

Cheating is a symptom of an underlying problem, she said — if you want to remain a couple, solve that.

“Just because they signed up for a site, it doesn’t necessarily mean they had a physical affair,” she added, but that’s beside the point.

Whether to believe one’s partner actually cheated would depend on individual situations, but a person’s name being on Ashley Madison is in itself a problem, Moffit said.

Often, cheating — or the intention to cheat — is a result of neither party putting effort into a relationship or a series of unresolved disagreements, she said.

“(A relationship) is kind of like a plant: you need to water it. Having time when you can dream and live together — that’s really important.”

Moffit added some spouses may want to keep quiet about knowledge of the betrayal to see if the cheaters own up, but that is not for everyone.

“If the information that you need is in the form of, ‘OK, if you come clean then I have a better chance of being able to move forward,’ then maybe it is a good idea,” she said.

Moffit added it’s not a bad idea to give the cheater the opportunity to fess up, but cautioned against waiting too long. “If you feel like they’re never going to tell you, then it’s a good idea to broach the topic anyway.” If your attempt at an extra-marital affair is revealed

A Toronto marriage and family counsellor recommends you give up your privacy and work toward forgiveness.

Hand over your phone and passwords and let your partner see your emails, said Margaret Hicks, director of Hicks Counselling Services.

“Then you have to ask the person who has been betrayed what they need to feel secure in a relationship,” she said. “They may need you to call when you arrive at work. Call at lunch, call when they get home.”

Hicks said cheating is a betrayal of trust and that must be repaired in order for the relationship to be salvaged. “I’m going to recommend they get professional help,” she added. “And then they would have to define appropriate conduct . . . and whether they’re going to be willing to work on it.”

The person who signed up for Ashley Madison has to work hard to “soothe” the partner being betrayed, Hicks said, adding it can be a process that takes months, if not years.

Although simply having an account does not mean a person cheated, it would be hard to convince your partner otherwise, Hicks said.

And if you actually cheated, don’t lie to your partner and say you only created an account: “If they’re on that website, you’re going to have a hard time believing they didn’t.”