Boyfriend’s rudeness causing partner’s jealousy

My boyfriend of three years and I have lived together for a year.

His previous relationship ended three years ago, after seven years together, including three years cohabitating.

He’s continued to see his ex at least once or twice a month for dinner, with her or as a member of a dinner party. I’m never invited.

Previously, he kept her invitations secret but he’s now agreed to tell me the truth.

It upsets me, more out of disrespect than jealousy. She also calls our home to speak to him after 9 p.m.

He says he’ll remain friends with her, seeing or speaking to her on the phone whenever he wants.

He says it’s my problem if I’m upset and blowing it way out of proportion. I say when you live with someone there are obligations and responsibilities.

I’ve asked if they want to get back together; he assures me that’s never going to happen.

Am I overreacting to these dinner invitations? Excluded Partner

No, you’re not overreacting. But you do sound jealous, which he can combat by saying you’re off base.

Rudeness is what’s happening, by both of them. And exclusion, which dismisses your relationship as a couple.

He’s unlikely to accept you entertaining former boyfriends and barring your presence.

Yes, he had a long relationship with her and wants to remain friends. That’s fine, so long as you’re part of that friendship circle. Since you’re not, he’s not fully your partner.

Note: This is a man who needed someone else (you) very soon after his long relationship with her ended. He wasn’t finished.

He may not agree, but then, he’s a guy who does what he wants.

Unless you both understand that the problem is him, not just her and not your reaction, you can’t count on staying together.

I lived away from my husband of 28 years for a number of recent years due to some tragic circumstances. However, we communicated daily.

I’ve since returned home to live with him.

Although he isn’t religious, he attended a church with a couple of our mutual friends while I was away. My friend told me that my husband confided in the female priest numerous times. I now attend the same church. I noticed that the female priest is very flirtatious with my husband. And he seems very fond of her.

Their eye contact suggests some kind of special relationship. He isn’t happy whenever I make negative comments about her and comes to her defence.

I met with the priest once in a restaurant to discuss a church event.

I was frustrated and upset by some appalling remarks she made about me, e.g. sarcastic comments that the colour of my hair is the same as her 70year-old mother’s when I’m in my 50s.

She spoke with me in a totally different way from how she speaks with my husband.

I’m surprised at her inappropriate behaviour. She’s also in her 50s and is not an attractive woman.

How do I handle this situation? Frustrated and Upset

The priest clearly provided your husband (and herself ) with a comfortable friendship while you were absent. That’s not necessarily suggestive of anything “wrong.”

However, your return has naturally interfered with their closeness. It seems she resents this, even if subconsciously.

Be gracious, to see if that helps. Invite the priest and the other couples over to your place and be your husband’s warm hostess.

Ideally, when your spousal status and couple’s lifestyle becomes obvious she’ll back off from making negative comments.

If your partner excludes you from activities and then says that you are the one with the problem, then the situation is serious

Tip of the day

When a partner turns his/her excluding actions into your problem, the problem’s serious.