Divorce tougher on children if it involves a parent’s infidelity
Unlike hacked cheater site Ashley Madison, kids could know cheater’s new partner
NEW YORK— Divorce is often ugly, but the consequences for kids when infidelity is involved can deepen their anxiety, anger or confusion.
Contrary to the hacked Ashley Madison cheaters’ site that offers anonymous opportunities for affairs, infidelity more often includes somebody a child actually knows: a family friend, a neighbour, a parent from Little League or the PTA, therapists and divorce attorneys said.
That means the third party may become a permanent fixture in the lives of children going forward, forcing an entirely new context on young people as they attempt to sort out villains from victims.
“Infidelity, for some families, usually supersedes any other problems in the relationship and becomes the sole focus of the separation,” said Nakya Reeves, a marriage and family therapist in Plantation, Fla. “There may be communication gaps or other issues that deserve just as much attention but the hurt causes partners to lose sight of issues that may help them move forward and become great co-parents or even friends in the aftermath of the divorce,” she said.
Paul De Pompo, a clinical psychologist in Newport Beach, Calif., said second to the death of a child or the loss of a spouse, infidelity can be one of the most damaging life events for a family.
He agreed with Reeves that the adults’ ability to maintain a united front for the sake of the children can be very difficult when cheating is involved.
“The idea of being on the ‘same page’ has been torn apart,” he said. “The parent who was cheated on tends to cling to the children while the parent who cheats often keeps distance, initially out of shame. Both parent behaviours can leave children anxious that one parent is devastated and they cannot help them, while they’re hurt and confused about why the other parent is not being proactive enough. The kids are in a loselose situation.”
Myra Chack Fleischer, a San Diego family law attorney who also works on out-of-court collaborative divorces, regularly handles cases involving infidelity.
“It impacts the children on all levels, especially if you’ve got teenage kids,” she said.
“The impact is huge . . . You’ve got visitations going on with the person who cheated on mommy or daddy.”
Where law allows for no-fault divorces, meaning grounds do not have to be established, emotional turmoil inside a family doesn’t change.
Trust between marital partners is usually left in tatters come divorce time, but “infidelity is such a personal violation,” Fleischer said.
“I’ve had probably half a dozen cases where the person is the parent of one of the kids’ best friends. Cheaters usually go to what’s familiar, what’s in front of them.”
Dallas divorce attorney Brad LaMorgese said adultery is common among the cases he handles.
“A majority of the time it’s going to be someone in known social circles like someone they know through a child’s school or a co-worker,” he said, “but we’re seeing many cheaters going on dating sites,” not just Ashley Madison.
Divorcing parents often ignore the fact that they might have moved on from the marriage long before the ink is dry on legal papers, while their children have just begun to emotionally process even a temporary separation.
That feeling sometimes leads to a parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend being around the kids early on, before a divorce is finalized, making it that much more dizzying for young ones, he said.
For cheaters, there’s Ashley Madison. For the cheated upon, there’s Tracy Schorn.
Schorn lives outside Austin, Texas, and runs a popular infidelity support site called Chumplady.com. Its motto is “Leave a cheater, gain a life.”
She disagrees that children should be kept out of the loop.
“I advise telling children in age-appropriate ways without editorializing,” she said.
Kids old enough to understand are often furious when they later discover a parent was cheating and they were lied to about it, Schorn said.
“Getting it all out in the open is painful, but healing.”
The trick, she said, is “staying respectful that children still love the cheating parent and that relationship is theirs to negotiate.”