For those few candidates yet untouched by scandal, a survival guide

Are you a connoisseur of online humour? Can you keep your opinions and bladder in check? Fill out our handy questionnaire

So you want to be a major-party candidate for Parliament?

Congratulations on your interest in standing for office to serve your country! Canada’s representative democracy depends on the participation of men and women like you, those willing to put their names on the ballot to ensure parties simulate national representation — so that if elected, they can murmur, applaud and heckle in the House of Commons as needed, while occasionally reading talking points robotically during question period and media interview programs. Remember: in government as in acting, there are no small parts, only people made small by their willingness to obliterate their own egos, personalities, principles and intellects in the service of playing a generic role and sticking relentlessly to a script.

This quick multi-partisan guide will help you prepare by asking questions relevant to your role as candidate, and suggesting strategies to help you deal with difficulties you may encounter on the campaign trail. As you may be aware from recent media reports, there are many surprising ways candidates can humiliate themselves and cause a scandal for their parties in this technologically advanced world. 1. How strong is your bladder?

As a local candidate, you will spend much of your time knocking on the doors of the electorate, far from the comfort and privacy of the campaign bus washrooms afforded to party leaders. Whatever your own personal habits and preferences, recent experience has shown that constituents respond very negatively to those who urinate in places other than a toilet. If you find yourself on a doorstep in the midst of a bathroom emergency, do not “take a leak” on a stranger’s wall, door or dog. Adult diaper technology has made well-advertised strides in recent years, and candidates who suffer from a persistently “broken seal” might wish to investigate such undergarments.

Under no circumstances should you relieve yourself into the kitchen crockery in a home you are visiting. This violation of hygienic norms grosses out and amuses electors in equal measure.

(Any candidate having trouble with this concept may wish to investigate other career options in our related aptitude quiz, “So you want to be in a Farrelly brothers movie?”) 2. How is your sense of humour?

It is understandable that you may think part of your appeal as a personality (and, therefore, as a candidate) is your wit: the obscene phone calls that have cracked up all your friends since you were in grade school; the forwarded lists of jokes weighing the relative merits of alcoholic beverages and members of the opposite sex that you share with everyone in your email contact list; the edgy mass-circulation, racially tinged Facebook memes you boldly share for your friends. However, such examples of your sense of humour will not serve you well in politics (and are not, strictly speaking, examples of humour at all). If you are able, erase all records of such pranks and gags you have made in the past, and in future stick to bland references to the weather if you must depart from the party message. 3. What kind of social media user are you?

Do you post bold views on controversial issues on Facebook? Do you tweet when you are drunk? Do you pride yourself on “saying what needs to be said on social media even if it’s politically incorrect,” and on “calling a spade a spade”? If so, then you are likely not suitable for politics. (If you feel you are exceptional, see our related aptitude brochure, “So you want to be Norm Kelly?”) 4. Do you pride yourself on strong opinions?

Understandably, many people feel their strong, well-articulated opinions on various issues are the reason they are suited to politics. However, if you answered yes to this question, you may consider a different line of work. Passionate, foul-mouthed disagreement with the Pope, eccentric speculation that prominent charities are nefarious corporate plots, anything to do with the Middle East: all of these can be immediately disqualifying if expressed aloud by a candidate.

Please note that the Conservative party has streamlined the opinion-stifling process for their candidates, who will be asked to skip debates and avoid all contact with the media. Others may consider replacing all their own expressions of ideas with sentences made up largely of the following words in random order: “middle class,” “strong,” “secure,” “families,” “Canada,” “working.” Conclusion: Working to secure a strong Canada for middle-class families!

If after reading this, you still think becoming a local candidate is right for you, please proceed to erase your Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn and Snapchat profiles; contact Google to request any search results associated with your name be deleted; scrub your Wikipedia page; purchase a red Star Trek shirt to get into character, and contact your local party candidate screener for further instructions. Canadian representative democracy awaits your entirely mediocre contribution to our electoral process. Good luck out there on the campaign bus — try not to find yourself under it! This is Edward Keenan’s last regular column for Insight. Continue to follow him in the Star’s GTA section and online at thestar.com. ekeenan@thestar.ca