> OFF THE RACK

OK!

Cover: OK! aims its royals cover at Americans in two ways: First, it reports that the Queen will abdicate, without forcing readers in Mississippi to learn that word; and second, it includes a golden seal reading “Palace Confirms,” to flatter the uniquely provincial kind of Yank who really believes that when the Queen quits, it’ll be first reported in OK! magazine. It’d be one thing if Britain had its own journalists, but … Everything’s Jake: A source notes that Charlize Theron’s ex Sean Penn was “a powder keg” but says her new BF, Jake Gyllenhaal, “couldn’t be more different,” like … a bag … of warm oatmeal? Sex-x-xy, no? Garnered support: Gwyneth Paltrow is comforting Jennifer Garner while Ben Affleck is getting serious comfort from Sienna Miller. We all grieve differently.

LIFE & STYLE

Cover: Life & Style spins the Celeb Wheel, and matches two random names you’ve heard of recently: Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. Sure, why not. Next week: Kendall Jenner and Jonathan Franzen, or maybe Camilla Parker-Bowles and Skrillex. All youthed up: Selena Gomez is a non-stop booze machine despite looking too young for many rides at the Ex. She also uses the pages of Life & Style to tell Zayn Malik she’d like to sleep with him. You don’t have to act that desperate, Selena; leave that to the rest of us.

STAR

Cover: Sandra Bullock’s new fella is a volatile photographer whose hirsute, smouldering ’90s mug shots suggest that hockey player from your hometown who drank away his promise. Insiders wonder why she likes the bad boys; outsiders like me think she’s awfully dull without ‘em. No further doubt: Gwen Stefani’s ex Gavin Rossdale had an affair with the wife of Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, and also with Courtney Love. Now you know what he’s been doing for the last decade: disinfecting.