Trying on a celebrity lawsuit to see how it fits
I’ve decided to sue a celebrity.
I’m still working on the details. But this lawsuit, sure to bring me millions, will be directed at a famous person with deep pockets. That’s about it.
Maybe I’ll go after Kylie Jenner, who keeps changing the colour of her hair. Or as my lawyer will explain: “Ms. Jenner’s chameleon locks have caused my client to lose hours in wages as he struggles to keep track of who’s who in the defendant’s family. We are seeking $100 million for pain and suffering or a wig injunction.”
In recent months, I’ve been horrified to watch my 9-year-old daughters slowly drift to the darkest side of humanity, which is to say, become huge Justin Bieber fans.
At first, I thought this was karma for all the mean things I’ve written about him. I thought their grade school crushes would fade or get redirected at someone else — say, Stephen Hawking or Noam Chomsky.
But at dinner the other night, as one of them hummed “Beauty and a Beat,” the other asked, “Can you buy us all of Justin’s songs? Can we go to a concert? Please?”
Sure, let’s do that. Or maybe we could pick a family outing less traumatizing for your old man? I know, why don’t you shoot me out of a cannon and into a tank filled with piranhas as Terry Jacks’ “Seasons in the Sun” blares from the minivan your mother forced on this marriage?
Or as my lawyer will explain: “My client purchased the defendant’s catalogue of music under duress. There were no warning labels about the impact on his lifestyle or health, including months spent in solitary confinement with globs of Play-Doh jammed in his ears. He also developed a facial tic in which his left eye started to twitch like an injured dragonfly whenever someone cooed, ‘Hey girl.’ ”
The only problem with suing a celebrity is the courts are now clogged with all the other people trying to sue celebrities. Or with celebrities suing companies. Or with celebrities suing celebrities. Or with people suing companies run by celebrities.
Celebrity litigation has reached peak lunacy. It’s gotten so bad, I’m a little surprised famed defence attorney Mark Geragos isn’t now running a major studio given the potential synergies. And wouldn’t it make sense if Judge Judy was named the lifetime Mayor of Hollywood?
Each week, it seems, someone makes headlines for commencing legal action against a star. On Monday, I read about a former radio DJ in Denver who is suing Taylor Swift, alleging he lost his job after he was “falsely accused by one of Swift’s security team of grabbing the singer’s buttocks backstage.”
Meanwhile, Jessica Alba, co- founder of the $1-billion Honest Company, is facing class-action suits over allegations her line of ecofriendly sunscreen does not work.
None of the allegations have been proven in court, a phrase I’m obliged to include to avoid finding myself in court.
There is now so much judicial theatrics among the boldface, the New York Post’s Page Six can publish a subsection tagged “Celebrity Lawsuits.” Recent items include: “Tyga sues landlord for breach of contract” and “Tori Spelling suing Benihana over hibachi burns.”
Allegedly, she tripped into an open cooking area, which is regrettable but perhaps also a known danger when you dine at a themed restaurant with open cooking areas.
When I order saganaki at a Greek restaurant, I realize there’s an outside chance my head will catch on fire. This is the danger of flaming cheese.
The question is: How do we separate the frivolous suits from the ones with merit? It’s easy to toss out the really insane stuff, like the woman who filed a $1- trillion lawsuit against Diddy, alleging he was responsible for the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks.
We can laugh ourselves silly when a guy attempts to sue Michael Jor- dan because they look like twins or a woman claims she is the real mother of Mariah Carey’s children.
But what about the rest of it? Do we need stiffer penalties for grievances without merit? Do we need a separate judicial body to handle celebrity disputes? How do we deter abuses of the legal system by those who are convinced they can get rich or famous by fleecing the rich and famous?
Maybe I’ll just sue Donald Trump for being so damn litigious.
Or as my lawyer will explain: “Look, my client just needs a bit of cash.” vmenon@thestar.ca