Is it time to give up the flirting game?
The advantage of concise, clear communication
For some people, all it takes is a glance or a slight shift in body language to read the signs of flirtation. Not for me, though.
No, in my life, a woman could drive for hours and show up outside my door with speakers blaring a love song, holding a large neon sign that read “HEY, I LIKE YOU”, and I would say thank you, head back inside and then ask myself: I wonder how she feels?
From politely declining misunderstood invitations to come inside — isn’t 3 a.m. way too late for coffee? — to thinking a woman’s repeated stares meant I had something on my face, my life has been a litany of missed looks, misunderstood signals and outright obliviousness.
Perhaps my own case is a bit unusual. I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while, turned off by a couple of bad experiences of my own creation.
But as I finally creep my way back into the world of romance as a man nearing 40, I find years of avoiding it has left me even more “flirtation blind” than before. Did that smile means she likes me, or simply that she’s nice? Was that invitation meant to be a date or simply an offer to hang out?
Though it’s easy to dreamily speak of the mystery of romance — of the pregnant pauses and meaningful stares that comprise flirting — there’s a downside to all this silent salaciousness (other than my missing out on possible dates).
After all, we’re finally beginning to build a culture of communication around romance: one in which everyone is encouraged to give up on what is implied, and instead focus on clear and enthusiastic consent. Not only does no always mean no, but in a world of hookups, Tinder and sexual liberation, people are more open about romance and sex than ever before — to our benefit. All these unspoken rules are part of what enables people — most often men — to cross boundaries, or worse, to violate someone’s safety and being. It demands us to ask: Is it time to give up on the vagaries of flirting in favour of just saying what we mean?
It’s the uncertainty that is the curse of signals. It leaves too much unsaid, which leads to confusion on all sides. The obvious response is to remind oneself that other people are just that: people, with whom one can communicate. It is not the end of the world, after all, to simply ask, “Is this a date?” What’s more, clear, open communication offers a healthy, sexpositive approach to romance in which both parties are active participants whose needs and wants are respected.
It’s true, though, that you can say too much. A first date is not the usually the time to ask where things are going, and checking in every day to see if someone is still into you is just annoying.
Where then is the balance? Perhaps the answer is to remember why people flirt at all. What feels worse than the sting of rejection after opening your heart to someone? Flirting is a way of mitigating that risk — of sending out a hint of affection in the hope it might be returned.
And maybe that is where a happy midpoint is to be found: that rather than remaining silent or saying too much too quickly, one remembers that romance starts with a shared vulnerability — and that, instead of neon signs, speaking to one another as frail, open, equal humans is the place to start.