Don’t stop reaching out to grandkids
My husband of 18 years and I met and fell in love immediately. My baby’s father had dumped me when I got pregnant. I later married someone I liked but didn’t love so he couldn’t also hurt me. He adopted my child and we had one of our own.
After several years, I couldn’t maintain a loveless marriage.
In the divorce, I agreed on a sum for the kids that wouldn’t break the bank. I don’t bad- mouth him to the kids. My current husband was also unhappily married when we met. He told me soon after, but by then we were both smitten. Looking back, we wish we’d dealt with it differently. We saw each other secretly while I was getting my divorce. He got his shortly after, we then married. My kids and grandkids adore my husband.
I have a good relationship with his daughters.
However, his ex-wife remains very bitter. She nearly bled him dry financially.
We ignored it back then to try to keep the peace. I now communicate with her about their daughters.
But her bitterness spills over to their families. As a result, one couple has only a fake friendship with us and has hurt my kids deeply.
I feel there’s no hope to change this.
My grandkids live overseas, yet they have a relationship with my husband.
But his grandkids are just polite. We try to connect, but never hear back from the one family. They seldom call him, and never call me.
It’s just so sad. Lasting Bitterness
Stay gracious and positive with your husband’s daughters and especially their children when you do get to see them.
Send cards for occasions, and gifts when appropriate.
Show an interest in their activities and call on occasion just to talk to the children.
Youngsters pick up on who’s sincerely interested in them. You’ll be leading by example, and they may
eventually follow. My married gay son, 35, has nothing to do with me, his father or our daughter. He’d long been distancing from us but for the last two years refuses to answer emails or calls.
We’re generally a happy upbeat family, my married daughter’s supportive and loving, but I miss my son greatly.
He gives no reason, just once said I was an awful mother who never valued his opinion . . . which I always did. Something must’ve happened when he was young, and he feels I let him down. It breaks my heart. My husband says I need therapy and must accept it, and move on. But I cannot.
I keep wanting to fix it/the family.
I feel accepting is giving up. He lives 20 minutes away. Not Accepting Yet
Therapy isn’t intended for you to give up on your son.
It’s to try and work through how you can handle the situation for your sake as well as his.
While you’d prefer to understand it enough to “fix it,” you have to consider whether it’s better for him — and there’s more hope for a future reconciliation — if you back off now.
Whatever’s the healthiest choice for him now, may also be healthiest for all of you.
Unless your son tells you what distanced him, you have to show him the respect that he’s an adult entitled to his beliefs and feelings.
Tell him that you love him, respect his wishes, and hope to find some insight and peace of mind over this, through therapy.
Tip of the day Rather than give up on distanced children, show love where possible, but also respect for their decisions. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.
Make an effort to connect with your husband’s grandchildren. Youngsters pick up on who’s sincerely interested in them