Don’t take the risk that boyfriend has changed
I’m 24, a recently divorced mother of three, seeing someone new for nearly five months. After a month of dating, I discovered he’s been talking dirty to anyone willing to listen . . . even his younger brother’s girlfriend, and young to middle-aged women.
All of this happened before we met, with the exception of one woman he called right after.
He apologized for his past and has since given me access to his emails, Facebook, texts, etc. He’s stopped completely, as far as I know. Do you believe someone can change their habits over- night? He has a huge heart other than this. He’s very sensitive and seems very remorseful. On the Fence
Since this important consideration may have a direct effect on your three children, it’s not a matter of “belief,” but of risk.
Should you take a risk on someone with this very recent habit? Can you trust someone who’s behaved inappropriately with his own brother’s girlfriend and young women? No. And No again. He has a quirky sex-related behaviour pattern that you know about. Unless he gets some professional behaviour modification therapy, his remorse does not guarantee longterm change.
I’m 17, from Michigan. My mom took me out of school in sixth grade. I’ve not been in school for more than a few months since then. She’d been having me and my siblings lie and say we’re homeschooled. She honestly wished she could teach us, but she was a single mother working all alone.
Now, she’s with my sister’s father. He used to beat her, but after nine years apart, they’re back together. He kicked us out of his house twice this last time, including his own daughter. I punched his face and told my mom I couldn’t stay there.
We took her and left for Ohio, wandered through more states and returned to Michigan within a week. On our way back, she said we have to respect her man. I said respect is earned. She raised all the times my ex cheated on me and she was cool with him until I was done with him.
I’m mentally tired. I was molested by a close female relative from ages 3 to 8. I suffer from depression. I have no other family.
I know I need to leave, but I feel bad for my mom. My 20-year-old sister’s going through the same stuff — no education, she’s less mature than me. She leans on sex and parties. I need a way out without hurting my mom. I can’t do this all alone. End of Road
You can get help and fast, through free 24-hour staffed national help lines. Trained personnel will hear your confidential story without judgment and refer you to places that provide safe accommodation, food and clothing, help with job training, medical and legal services, etc.
Start with the National Youth Crisis Hotline 800-442-HOPE (4673). This hotline provides service for youth who are depressed, chemically dependent, suicidal, abused, runaways (it serves children too).
You and your sister can contact the YWCA in your area and ask for help getting to a women’s shelter or other transitional or more permanent housing, along with services for your needs.
If you fear your stepfather might look for you, make a plan to leave when he’s not home and a plan to contact your mother privately from a phone or place that he can’t trace. Any hotline, shelter, or women’s services agency will advise you on other safety plans.
Tip of the day Do not risk a relationship with someone whose sexually related behaviour could affect your children. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice