Don’t allow boyfriend to continually put you down

Following are leftover questions from my online chat, Porn Addiction Part Two, on Sept. 16:

My boyfriend’s always comparing me to other women and it makes me feel bad.

He says that I need to see a doctor for breast implants because I’m too small-chested and I should know from the porn he watches what women are supposed to look like to keep their man. He sees nothing wrong in ogling other females and says it’s my fault anyway because of my shape and the unsexy way that I dress. I ask him, so why does he want to be with me, and he says, I should “watch out” because he can leave me any time. He makes me feel very insecure. But we’ve already been together for 18 months so I don’t want to have wasted my time or to end up alone. I’m 23 and he’s 25. Feeling Unappreciated

You haven’t wasted your time, because the reason you’ve written this lies deep in your heart and mind, where you know that your body is not his to order remade.

And you won’t have wasted time if you resolve that you’ll never again accept the disrespect of being compared to other women and told to dress only to please someone else’s demands. But if you stay with this control-minded jerk, you will then be losing your pride.

He’s spent 18 months belittling you and eroding your self-esteem. He stays with you because you let him get away with this and it flatters his self-consumed ego.

But you’re starting to see through him. You’re at a perfect turnaround age toward maturity and self-worth.

Say, “Never again” and walk away from him and any other man or woman who repeatedly puts you down.

When I initially dated my husband, he was a very gentle and considerate lover who always wanted to satisfy me. We watched some mild porn together as part of our foreplay. But soon after we married, he introduced more graphic porn into our lives, saying it would help increase our passion. That’s now become our sex “routine” — either I watch hardcore porn with him or he leaves me alone and watches it by himself.

He’ll even stay up for hours looking for more intense porn after we’ve had what’s now tossed off as very quick sex. It also happens far less often between us. He seems obsessed with porn and self-pleasure. What To Do?

Discovering this level of sexual obsession in your husband can be so shocking that sex therapy specialists say the trauma it can cause a partner or spouse is comparable to PostTraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).

Bring his solo porn-watching out into open discussion: State that his obsessive habit has replaced what was once mutually satisfying sex, and it’s left you neglected and unhappy. Say that you can’t accept this any longer and he must recognize his addiction and do something about it. If he can’t will himself to reduce the time spent on porn, then he must talk to a certified sex therapist experienced in this field. Tip of the day When someone insists you remake your looks, body and image, change partners instead. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.