Don’t let boyfriend pressure you for sex

My boyfriend of one year and I have been having some problems lately. We’re both 17. I’m unsure how to open up to him and show him that I do care about him. I have serious feelings for him but I’m scared to lose him.

He’s said that I need to actually think about if he’s worth it to me and think about what I want to do.

He told me that he’s never felt this way about anyone else. But I’m still worried that if I don’t figure out how to show him I actually care, besides just telling him, that I’ll lose him. What Should I Do? Do nothing that you’re not ready for.

Experience tells me that he’s urging you to “show” him your feelings, physically, i.e. sex or some form of intimacy that you haven’t felt comfortable with so far.

But liking a guy a lot does not mean owing him whatever he wants. He’s pressuring you — “think about if he’s worth it” — to make you feel guilty for not going further.

It’s a veiled threat that already has you afraid you’ll lose him. But what about what you want, such as having your own boundaries respected and understood, about whatever you cannot handle as yet?

This is a classic situation in a teenage relationship. Generally, young males are ready for sex as soon as they can get it. But young females more often need to feel emotionally secure about sexual relations. Tell him so.

If he keeps pressuring you, this is all about him, and not the best rela- tionship for you.

My boyfriend of two months has custody of his daughter, 7. Her mother says she wants to clean up her life from drugs and work things out with him.

He says she was degrading, flakey, cheating and manipulative toward him. She’d skip plans she’d made about her daughter because she’d gotten high. She hardly called.

She’d left him for another man, became pregnant. When the father went to jail, she returned with her son, but left again when the man’s jail term ended.

They’d been apart again eight months before my boyfriend met me. He moved fast with me and was making plans for us very quickly.

But my boyfriend still feels some loyalty to her and attachment to the little boy. He’s now more distant with me. He’s confused about whether working things out with his ex and being a “family” for their daughter is the right thing to do. How Do I Respond? Back off. Let him work this out for himself, or there’ll be repeated periods of indecision from him.

Just when you think you’ve settled in together, this manipulative woman can turn it around. He needs to decide he’s strong enough to not let her ruin your relationship.

Also, you need time to think this through.

You’ve known each other for only a short time. If his ex turns back to drugs, there’ll be chaotic episodes ahead.

Are you strong and committed enough to withstand these and not abandon him or his daughter?

But don’t fool yourself into thinking you can “rescue” them both from this situation. There’ll be some consequences for years ahead. Both of you will need to set firm boundaries with his ex and not cave.

So this is about your choice too. Make sure you know what you’re choosing.

Meeting with a counsellor experienced with drug abusers will help you be realistic.

Back off until your boyfriend works out with his issues with his ex. You are just getting to know each other and both of you need time to figure things outs

Tip of the day Don’t accept pressure for sexual intimacy if you’re not ready. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.