A private fantasy can hurt a real marriage

My husband of two years and I have a wonderful son, age 1.

I met someone three years ago, we emailed infrequently at first, but much more this year.

I immediately liked him and these feelings have deepened throughout my marriage.

However, he’s in a long-term relationship with his live-in girlfriend. He knows about my feelings, and said that he likes me too. But I think he simply likes being liked by me.

I know this is wrong and is never going to lead anywhere. I also know it’s causing serious distraction from my marriage and my potential for happiness in it. My husband knows about this “affair” and has asked me to stop the communication, which I’ve (mostly) done. But how do I stop thinking about and wanting him? My mind and my heart are an untamed force. How do I get control? Untamed

It’s no coincidence that you’ve encouraged this distracting daydream to run rampant during your baby’s first year and your still-early marriage.

Compared to all the new responsibilities and adjustments, an “untamed heart and mind” provides easy inner escape.

You stop a fantasy by getting real. Your flirtatious communication is hurting your husband and the connection you two urgently need. You’re playing with fire.

Ask yourself how you’ll one day explain to your son that you neglected to nurture your marriage, which eventually pushed his father away. That’s where this kind of emotional affair can lead.

There’s a huge difference between a private “crush” and carrying a visible torch for someone who’s as involved elsewhere.

Use your yearning for affection and sex play, in your own marriage bed.

If you feel blocked, talk to your doctor, in case an element of postpartum depression is affecting you. Seeing a therapist will also help you.

My girlfriend, in her early 30s, got married recently. She was engaged when we met, which she hid until the last moment.

I told her to tell her fiancé the truth. I also texted him saying that he can call me and I’ll answer any questions. He called and then hung up. I was prepared to marry her.

We’ve been talking since the wedding and she said we should meet up but we haven’t yet, though there’s been much crying on both sides.

I’ve tried to be her friend, but told her that if we keep talking, he’ll find out.

I’ve discovered that she chose him because he won’t leave her (she’d had many traumatic relationships plus a friends-withbenefits thing).

She says she felt we’d be better together but she wasn’t 100 per cent sure.

I’ve realized (and she somewhat admits) that she cheats because he’s not on the same professional level as her (and me).

I asked her to leave him but she said it would cause too much shame. She’s never said she loves him.

Is it better that I get out of this, or force her to confront the dam- age she’s caused and, as a friend, help her pick up the pieces after?

I’m 90 per cent certain I don’t want to be with her anymore. The Boyfriend

Take a 10-per-cent loss and run from this drama.

This woman is no child — she’s an adult, and a professional — who’s a user (of you and others), a liar and a cheat. That’s evident by what you’ve described.

Whether she tells her husband the full truth should no longer be your concern. She’s NOT been a friend to you, no matter what happened sexually or emotionally when you were dating.