His double standard points to larger issues

I plan to spend the rest of my life with him. There’s just one issue: his phone. He told me early on he was protective of his privacy and I respected that. I’ve never gone through his phone while he’s sleeping.

But now, he just goes through mine like it’s no big deal.

I have nothing to hide; I don’t have a password on my phone, but he does.

Am I just being crazy or does he have something to hide? I try to ignore this, but it’s really bothering me.

I’ve tried talking to him about it and just ask questions about who he’s talking to, but he will not show me. And he won’t give me the password.

I trust this man with my life, but this isn’t fair to me. Phone Divide

It’s more than not fair; it’s a double standard and it could cause greater problems in future, not just about phones.

He keeps his privacy but invades yours.

If he does NOT have something to hide (and I suspect that he sometimes does or wishes to), then he’s showing his tendency toward control.

Now, it’s the phone. Later it can be other issues, e.g., not telling you where he goes when he’s out while insisting on knowing where you go.

He may be a standup guy you find trustworthy now, but this phone issue needs to be cleared.

How he treats you is how he must expect to be treated. If you’re going to last as a couple, then openness between you is the way to maintain trust. I’ve been married to my third husband for more than six years. Over the past few months, we attended some counselling sessions because he does not feel “in love” with me any longer and cannot get past that feeling. He says he loves me but not as “in love” as he felt when we first met. He says we’ve lost the “spark.” I have a son from my second marriage with whom he gets along well, except for a couple of years when he was in high school (he was pushing the boundaries then, as any teenager would).

He’s since changed as he’s in second-year university now and lives away from home. The counsellor recommended doing it often, holding hands, kissing, spending more time together, having getaways, etc.

I’ve done a few but still feel he’s a little distant, not as affectionate as he used to be. Does that spark and chemistry evolve over time, or does it stay?

I’d like to understand it as I still love him and we both don’t want a divorce, if it can be avoided. Seeking the Spark

For a couple who sought counselling, it all sounds pretty vague.

You need more explanation from him as to when and why he thinks his feelings changed.

And you need further counselling, whether from that person or someone else who gets him to be more specific, and you to respond more.

Was part of the problem a lack of sex, intimacy and affection (as her recommendations seemed to suggest)?

If so, were you too busy, preoccupied with your son, uninterested in sex? Had he looked for comfort elsewhere?

Until there are more truths told to each other, more efforts to state and meet each other’s deeper needs, you could be drifting toward another breakup.

Keeping the spark requires tending it.

Tip of the day If you accept a double standard on privacy early in a relationship, you’ll be stuck with it, and regret it. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.