Don’t move in if you’re not into an open relationship
My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 10 years.
I’ve previously cheated on him and was forgiven (I’m grateful). The past two years were amazing . . . until recently.
He shared a girl’s message with me. I also saw that they’d been in contact on a social media platform.
Recently, at his house, he was secretly messaging her. I then saw her (and an ex) as recently contacted individuals an hour later. He’s now saying he thinks our sex is boring, our relationship’s too stable, too bogged down in routine.
We’ve previously attended swingers’ clubs. Now he explained that it gives our egos a boost, which for him comes from the work it takes to have sex with someone else.
He’s asked if I’d be open to that. I said, not now.
I realized he’s not done with seeing other people and wants some action/drama. Yet he’s also said he’d like us to live together.
I no longer feel a need to compromise with him as he’s going behind my back to have his ego stroked. Yet I want him to do what he needs to be happy, but I don’t want our relationship to suffer. I feel it’s been disrespected. Conflicted
Your relationship’s already suffering, and you know it. This is no time for moving in together, nor for more open sex with others. It’s time for a break. He’s more than restless. Swingers’ clubs aren’t enough for him: he also wants private sexual liaisons with several other women . . . and that’s just his desires so far.
Ignoring your own discomfort would be a setup for years of unhappiness.
A break will show you how far he’s taking his desire for drama, and help you firm up what you believe a relationship should provide you.
Since joining our team, one coworker hasn’t gotten along well with me or the others.
She dislikes one and refuses to talk to him. She badmouths him to me, saying he’s spreading rumours about me.
I have team seniority, carrying responsibilities for management and training of several new people.
Recently, this co-worker told me everything she dislikes about how I do my job. Though I admit I’ve not handled things perfectly, I’ve always done my best to treat everyone with equality and respect. Others have told me that I do my job well.
She shares her negative opinions with the new workers, our supervisor, and others in the department. She says that we’re purposely setting her up to get in trouble with our boss.
I love my job. I don’t feel that I can talk to our boss about this because I know he’d say something to her about it. She’d take that as proof that we’re deliberately against her. Workplace Stress
Your soft approach is self-defeating. Meanwhile, she’s achieving what she wants — troublemaking in general, and possibly advancement for herself. Write a factual report about her spreading negative opinions of co-workers and of your work throughout the department.
Leave out any rebuttal of how others like you, etc. Your own record must speak for itself.
Hand this report to your boss, but without suggesting that he move her. That’d just indicate that you can’t handle one of your workers.
Next time she starts talking to you, tell her firmly but politely that as senior person on the team, you find persistent negative criticism disruptive to the group’s cohesion and productivity. Be pleasant but less accessible to conversations that aren’t about the work at hand.