Work away at friendship with distant divorcee

My friend since high school isn’t speaking to me. Two years ago, I noticed he was brushing me off with a “busy, can’t talk,” not returning my calls or texts. I hadn’t known — because he hadn’t told me — that he was going through a marriage breakup. We both work in finance and generally don’t just chat, but if we’d gotten together I would’ve picked up on what was going on.

I never even heard rumours, possibly because I’m still single and my other friends are from work.

By the time I finally bumped into him downtown, he was angry with me for not knowing.

Two years later, he’s fully divorced, living with someone else, sharing custody of his kids and still very cold and distant.

I’ve apologized for not knowing, reached out to get together, but the freeze remains. Friendship on Ice

Divorce is unsettling, traumatic and guilt-inducing.

He may be caught up in all the changes of child-custody issues, or generally angry as a way of deflecting some of the guilt or hurt over how he and his kids have been affected.

Meanwhile, because you’re single, he may feel you can’t possibly understand.

His evidence: You weren’t there for him (never mind that you didn’t know).

Try to rebuild contact slowly, without starting back at the beginning with apologies or explanations.

If there’s a sports event or concert coming up that would’ve been a natural for you two to attend, send a text that you’d love to do this together and will get the tickets.

Another time (even if that try didn’t work), arrange a small-group guys’ night — say, a few of your past schoolmates plus you two.

If he shows, be casual and act with him as you do with everyone else. When is it time to just give up? When you don’t care anymore. Until then, try again.

One of our adult children carries a lot of underlying anger toward us for the way we parented them as a teenager. They were tough years and we made our mistakes and have apologized. But it keeps resurfacing, sometimes with snide remarks and sometimes full confrontation.

We’ve said that we’re not going to keep allowing this. It’s stressful. We’d like them to manage feelings better and be respectful.

We can see the struggle in this adult child. Is there anything more we can do or say? We feel torn between their hurt and our own boundaries.

There was never any physical abuse, but we were hurtful with our words on a couple of occasions. Slings and Arrows

You obviously hit a sensitive area that can’t easily heal. And your then-teenager may’ve let this hurt fester over the years and blamed other disappointments, and even their own failings, on those wounding words.

Therapy is likely needed to get past it. But you can’t suggest this as if the “fault” and fallout no longer has anything to do with you.

Say that you so deeply care to resolve the past that you and your spouse are willing to go for family therapy together with them. It can be a chance for all of you to better understand your own part in this divide and apologize more openly.

But if that isn’t accepted, allow for one chance for that child to vent and you to apologize again.

Then insist that contact can’t go on if there’s continued disrespect and battles.

Tip of the day When a friend’s divorce causes distance, it often takes time to try to repair the friendship. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.