Answering music’s burning questions
So it was Warren Beatty.
To promote Boys in the Trees, her autobiography that comes out Tuesday, Carly Simon revealed the actor was one of three unnamed men she sang about in “You’re So Vain.” She’s not naming the other two, which can only mean she plans to write more books. Or she now forgets.
Is this 44-year-old secret really “one of pop music’s most enduring mysteries,” as People magazine called it?
If so, it’s not the only one. Baffling situations, bizarre stories, unknown characters, lingering questions — pop lyrics often don’t make a lick of sense. We still don’t know who let the dogs out.
Here are other songs in need of answers:
Song: “No One is to Blame” Artist: Howard Jones Lyrics: “You can look at the menu but you just can’t eat / You can feel the cushion but you can’t have a seat / You can dip your foot in the pool but you can’t have a swim / You can feel the punishment but you can’t commit the sin.” Lingering Questions: In this ’80s classic, Jones tells the story of a man who is clearly battling anorexia, hypoesthesia, aquaphobia and a persecution complex. Yet the man wants her. And she wants him.
So why can’t they be together? Is it his neuroses or the heavy-handed metaphors?
Song: “A Horse with No Name” Artist: America Lyrics: “You see I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name / It felt good to be out of the rain / In the desert you can remember your name / ’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain.” Lingering Questions: Why take a horse to the desert? Why not a camel or a donkey? And why would the horse still not know its name after nine days in a place that boasts a high recall for names? It makes no sense.
Song: “Super Bass” Artist: Nicki Minaj Lyric: “I mean my, my, my, my you’re like pelican fly / I mean you’re so shy and I’m loving your tie / You’re like slicker than the guy with the thing on his eye.” Lingering Questions: The water bird reference could be to Meek Mill, Minaj’s current flame.
But the second reference — the guy with the thing on his eye — is a mystery.
Is hip hop now home to a pirate? A dapper rapper with cataracts? Minaj needs to explain.
Song: “Human” Artist: The Killers Lyric: “Let me know is your heart still beating? / Are we human or are we dancer?” Lingering Questions: Is this song set in the future, a time when club culture has reshaped evolution and created a new species? Will dancer dethrone human? Or will a genetic defect leave dancer prone to cardiac arrest?
And how is this connected to the old Snap! song: “I’m serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer”?
Song: “Blinded by the Light” Artist: Manfred Mann Lyric: “Some brimstone baritone anticyclone rolling stone / preacher from the east / Says ‘Dethrone the dictaphone, hit it in its funny bone’ / ‘That’s where they expect it least.’ ” Lingering Questions: Since early dictation machines had neither elbows nor consciousness, the east coast preacher is offering bad advice. But why?
Is a devil with a deep voice creating extreme weather and influencing the teenage diplomat, the silicone sister with the manager mister, go-kart Mozart and little Early-Pearly?
Also, why did the calliope just crash to the ground? Those things are very heavy.
Song: “Bitch Better Have My Money” Artist: Rihanna Lyric: “Bitch better have my money / Bitch better have my money / Bitch, bitch, bitch better have my money / Yo, that bitch better have my money.” Lingering Questions: Did Rihanna ever get her money?
Why would this bitch take the money knowing Rihanna could write a song and blow the case wide open?
Song: “Down Under” Artist: Men At Work Lyric: “Buying bread from a man in Brussels / He was six-foot-four and full of muscles / I said, ‘Do you speak-a my language?’ / He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich.” Lingering Questions: There is nothing in the trade agreements between Australia and Belgium that covers spreadable food paste made from yeast. So why would a mute body builder in Europe be handing out free samples of an imported product that likely arrived at his bakery via the black market?
Song: “Yellow” Artist: Coldplay Lyric: “I swam across / I jumped across for you / Oh what a thing to do / ‘Cause you were all yellow.” Lingering Questions: Is this a song about cowardly journalism? Communism? Jaundice? And if Chris Martin is prone to such grand romantic gestures, how did he ever get stuck with Gwyneth Paltrow?
Song: “Every Breath You Take” Artist: The Police Lyric:“Every breath you take / every move you make / every bond you break / every step you take / I’ll be watching you.” Lingering Questions: Did the inspiration for this song file a restraining order against Sting? Why was he not charged? How can he still be free, dreaming up new stalker rhymes as he heats his toast on one side?
Creep.
Song: “Hello” Artist: Lionel Richie Lyric: “Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?” Lingering Questions: Was Richie blindfolded when a friendly stranger barged into his mansion and started feeling his face?
Why the gentle “hello” salutation? Why isn’t Richie hitting his panic button and screaming, “WHO LET YOU IN HERE? WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ME?” This reeks of narcissism.
Wait a minute. Is Richie one of the other two men in “You’re So Vain”?