Co-sleeping often with older kids a big no-no
My sister-in-law, for as long as I can remember, sleeps with her son in his bed. He’s now 10. Her husband, my brother, sleeps alone in their bedroom. I don’t ask questions but recently have started to feel guilty; by saying nothing, I am enabling a situation that seems unhealthy. No matter how I frame the intervention in my head, I feel it won’t be received well. My brother doesn’t seem to care . . . nor my sister-in- law or nephew. So is this my problem?
Sometimes people (admittedly, racially insensitive people) say: “In the field of ethics, there’s no such thing as black and white; only shades of grey.” That may be true, but sometimes over time grey gradually gets so dark it’s indistinguishable from black. That’s what’s happened here. What used to be, maybe, sort of OK, is not anymore.
It’s lovely, arguably, for parents to spend some bed time with their newborns; yes, there are safety precautions, smothering and all the rest, but co-sleeping occasionally with the little one can be quite a divine experience. It’s been reported that even Justin and Sophie co-slept with wee Hadrien, and there’s likely a selfie somewhere to prove it.
Co-sleeping with a 2-year-old can be OK as well; it sometimes means couples grabbing moments of intimacy on the kitchen table at 3:30 a.m., but as long as everyone cleans up before breakfast, no harm done. And even occasional overnights with young, school-aged kids can be fine, especially if they are going through upsetting times; well-balanced little kids will cuddle in for a few nights, suck up some milk of parental kindness, then get on with their lives.
But it is not OK for a parent to sleep regularly, one-on-one, with a 10-year-old of the opposite gender. No way. And especially it’s not OK if daddy is sleeping alone in another room. That’s just wrong in so many ways a 500-word ethics column can’t begin to contain them.
The question I’m struggling with, however, is what, if anything, you should do about it. And the answer hinges on whether your sister-inlaw’s behaviour constitutes abuse as such.
You need more information. Are both parties fully clothed in bed? Partially naked? Naked? Is there genital contact? Ever? Is the son the initiator of this activity, a willing participant, or an unwilling victim? Whose needs are driving this situation, and exactly what are those needs? What on earth is the kid’s father thinking?
There is no real way for you to get honest answers to these questions and it’s not your responsibility to do so. But I think you have no choice but to speak directly to your brother and let him know how profoundly uncomfortable you feel about this. Don’t expect that conversation to go well; it likely won’t. But for your own sake, if nothing else, you need to express your feelings, and based on what you hear, make the difficult decision to either let the matter rest or report the situation to your local Children’s Aid Society.
The principle is simple: if it feels like abuse and it doesn’t stop, report it. It’s the law. Send your questions to star.ethics@-yahoo.ca