Be mindful of partner’s feelings about your ex

My boyfriend of three years and I have lived together for a year. I was his first relationship, first everything. He’s not any of my firsts. Six months ago, my ex “Z” came to town for a wedding.

We dated for four years (in college and after) and broke up 18 months before I met my current boyfriend.

But he’s still one of my dearest friends, though he lives across the country and he’s engaged to a lovely girl.

There are no feelings between either of us besides friendship.

For our mutual friend’s wedding, he came for the weekend and stayed on our couch to save on the hotel and car rental. His fiancée was on call and couldn’t make it. My boyfriend was my date for the wedding, obviously.

While there, a friend told him that “Z” and I had dated (no secret). My boyfriend also knew we were briefly engaged but we called it off because of issues ( jobs, and I wasn’t ready to get married.)

My boyfriend later said that “Z” staying with us made him very uncomfortable and he’d rather I not spend so much time with him.

I understand, but I’d asked him before if it was OK and, given the distance between us, I wasn’t going to not see my friend.

Nothing was resolved. I won’t see “Z” again until Christmas at a friend’s annual party, so it’s a non-issue.

Six weeks ago, “Y,” a friend from college, moved here for work. He knew no one else. We’d dated when we were 18 years old for two years, which my boyfriend knows but that’s now what he’s focused on.

Initially, we hung out a lot because he’s new and I was helping him with the moving. My boyfriend was with us some of the time. “Y” found his own friendship circle, but we still hang out once a week. We go to the same gym and live in the same area, so we carpool.

My boyfriend has an open invitation but he doesn’t go to the gym. I love my boyfriend and am pretty happy with him besides all this.

But I think he’s being completely unreasonable because he wants me to stop talking to “Y” and is worried that I’m going to cheat on him.

I haven’t done anything wrong here and I’m not going to stop my friendships with people just because it makes my boyfriend uncomfortable. My boyfriend (and his mother and sister) is calling me selfish. I don’t think I am. The Ex Factor

Not selfish, but self-centred, and somewhat thoughtless.

He’s naturally concerned. You don’t accept his feelings enough to even compromise.

“Z” could’ve stayed at a hotel and you two could’ve still been gracious by driving him to and from the wedding, meeting him for lunch . . . but NOT having him padding about in his sleepwear right near you.

Imagine having an ex of your loved one in her nightie, just outside your bedroom door.

You do NOT imagine this because you’re secure, knowing that you’re his first. Well, he’s not able to be as secure since you’re not compromising much over “Y” either.

You managed to get places before he moved nearby, so carpooling with a former lover isn’t a necessity.

It’s fine to remain friends with exes, if you make the thoughtful moves to have your partner comfortable with it.

Since he’s not comfortable, and you’re self-righteously ignoring this, you risk adding yet another ex to your list. Tip of the day When closeness with ex-lovers upsets your current relationship, be a team player or risk being alone.

Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays, at thestar.com/elliechat. Email ellie@thestar.ca. Follow @ellieadvice.