Hey, Victoria, here’s the real secret to Sexy
Victoria’s Secret calls itself “the purveyor of all things Sexy.”
This leads to a philosophical question, one the company asks each year: “What Is Sexy?” Is it angel wings and glittery bikinis and bras encrusted with precious gems? Is it “Taylor Swift’s legs,” “Chrissy Teigen’s hair” or “Jessica Biel’s lips,” to rattle off a few of the winning body parts from the 2015 “What Is Sexy” survey? In order: no, no, no, no, no and no. Watching supermodel Lily Aldridge strut across the catwalk in a $2 million Fireworks Fantasy Bra — just one of the absurd scenes in the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show ( CBS, Tuesday at 10 p.m.) — is to be reminded that Sexy is subjective.
Sexy evolves. Sexy matures. Sexy gets a career and mortgage. Sexy gets better with time. Sexy gets to a point where sensible shoes are sometimes way hotter than slinky pumps, where the idea of a whalebone corset with metal grommets and detachable neon belt seems more laughably gruesome than sensual.
This is why Victoria’s Secret is now courting disaster. It is relying upon a coterie of nubile “Angels” — including Adriana Lima, Alessandra Ambrosio, Candice Swanepoel and Behati Prinsloo tonight — who may be beautiful but are also trapped in the First Stage of Sexy. The company is missing out on another key demo: Middle-Aged Sexy.
Given the dizzying numbers tonight — 47 models, 75 looks, 2,000 guests, 32 hairstylists, 120,000 Swarovski crystals, 46 pairs of gossamer wings, three musical acts, broadcast to 185 countries — you’d think there might be a financial upside in appealing to women over the age of 26. You’d also think Victoria’s Secret might invest the R&D capital to lock up this market. Imagine what might happen to profits if the company developed garments more women would buy with no fear of feeling like they were trying out S&M or lounging around in hubcaps.
But, no. The biggest problem now is conceptual. Tonight’s show will have six “themes:” “Boho Psychedelic,” “Exotic Butterflies,” “Portrait of an Angel,” “PINK USA,” “Ice Angels” and “Fireworks.” These may sound like exhibits at a museum of natural history. But in staged execution, the obsession with cleavage and bare midriffs and thigh gaps is fundamentally at odds with the concerns of most women I know, including my wife. There is no link here to Sexy.
If I were to buy my wife a garment — and the tag read, “Watch sparks fly & light up the night with these ultra-vibrant hues and daring cutouts” — I’m pretty sure she’d exchange the VERY SEXY FLIRT DEMI BRA & CRISSCROSS CHEE-KINI PANTY for a PSYCHIATRIC ASSESSMENT, which she’d promptly re-gift to me.
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is celebrating its 20th anniversary tonight. That’s two decades of not quite understanding Sexy, of not quite getting true beauty.
Sexy is confidence. Sexy is experience. Sexy is comfort. Sexy is not caring. On weekend mornings, for example, my wife wanders down to the living room in flannel pyjamas and in glasses. She’ll ask me a question and not wait for the answer before asking another question and not waiting for that answer. Her feet are usually nestled inside slippers that look like they were made by purple lambs in a sweatshop run by Elmo. Her hair looks like she was electrocuted while trapped inside a wind tunnel. I won’t lie to you: this is Sexy. And here’s the thing: my wife now has far more purchasing power and disposable income than she did 20 years ago when we were moving out and finding our first jobs. Victoria’s Secret should be targeting women like her by coming up with some new “themes” and moving away from the SO OBSESSED PUSH-UP BRA or FOREVER SEXY FRAGRANCE. How about a VERY RESTFUL NIGHT ROBE? You know, get supermodel Kate Grigorieva to amble on stage, throw down a pillow and pretend to sleep through the night. My wife would want that. Or how about the THREE MEETINGS IN FOUR HOURS V-STRING? Or the CAN YOU GET THE KIDS BECAUSE I’M RUNNING LATE GARTER BELT? The VERY SMART AND CARING BRASSIERE — it could apply therapeutic heat to knotted neck muscles or chime loudly whenever the wearer forgets her cup of coffee in the microwave — could sell millions over Christmas.
Elsa Hosk, Jac Jagaciak, Jasmine Tookes, Lais Ribeiro, Martha Hunt, Romee Strijd, Sara Sampaio, Stella Maxwell, Taylor Hill: the Angels on display tonight are perfectly fine. But they haven’t yet earned their wings.
What is Sexy? It’s being old enough to spot the folly of youth and still feel young. It is wearing what you want because you want to wear it. vmenon@thestar.ca