Friend with benefits is looking for love

Atwo-year relationship ended seven years ago, after I learned my boyfriend cheated (one-night stand).

Our relationship had already been strained. He lived an hour away, neither of us had our own transportation. We sometimes only saw each other once every two or three months.

Three years after our breakup, we reconnected. This past year we’ve become friends with benefits. (We still have great sexual chemistry.)

Recently, I’ve been sleeping over at his place and we had deep conversations. He’s often asked me to reflect with him on our past. He asked if I thought that if we hadn’t broken up, we’d be married with kids by now.

I said no (though it was the only thing I used to dream about). When I asked him the same question, he said yes, which I hadn’t expected.

He’s previously said he doesn’t want to lead me on, and that’s why we don’t cuddle or make out.

But I’m starting to develop feelings for him again and we connect on a different level than before, with far better communication.

I know that I could trust him; I admire the man he’s become. He was my first love, and I’ll always love him.

But I’m afraid that if I confess my feelings, it might affect our friendship. Blurred lines Tell him. You’re very clear — you love him, trust him, want a future with him.

Forget the excuse about the effect on friendship. You’re past that point.

Soon the no-cuddling rule will seem just silly to you both. You have a mature, caring relationship with great sex.

If he doesn’t love you the same way, you need to find out soon and move on, so you can eventually find someone who does. My boyfriend of six months and I technically haven’t had what I consider to be real sex.

He’d rather get oral than have sex. But he refuses to run the risk of getting me pregnant, when I suggest he just wears a condom.

He says he tried it once with his ex-girlfriend and she got pregnant, and later suffered a miscarriage. I know condoms aren’t 100 per cent, but sometimes I wonder if he’s just making an excuse.

Also, I wonder if he thinks I’m trying to trick him into getting me pregnant, which I’m not. We don’t have a bad sex life, but I think it could be worlds better.

It consists of me performing oral on him (which I admit I like) but I want to have “real” sex. Frustrated

What’s going on so far in this relationship is all about him. You both should feel concern about you not getting pregnant at this stage, but it’s also something you should be deciding how to handle, together.

You might be comfortable using female birth-control methods, plus him wearing a condom to protect both of you against sexually-transmitted infections (STIs).

He could also be offering ways to give you sexual pleasure. But his plan only focuses on him having sex the way he wants it.

You say nothing else that suggests he actually cares a lot about you.

You need a “real” boyfriend. Someone who wants to share more with you than sex, who asks what pleases you and tries hard to be the one to provide it.

Since, in these first six months of a relationship, you already feel you’re being deprived of the sex life you want, and the reason is because of controls dictated by your boyfriend, you’re with the wrong guy.

This one’s blatantly selfish.

Tip of the day Don’t accept second-rate “friends with benefits” when you feel and want love. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice