SPORTS QUOTES OF THE YEAR
Bruce Arthur’s annual roundup from the world of fun and games,
Another year, another trip around the sun, another heedless step closer to the heat death of the universe, or something. Sports can be depressing: too corporate, too cutthroat, out of all sensible proportion, and your heroes always die. Still, it’s important to laugh.
Here is an incomplete, unbalanced, earnest list of some of the funniest sports quotes of 2015.
JANUARY
“Now the balls are going like 400 feet. When you add five miles an hour on it, I’m not a chemist or anything, it’s probably going to go 500.” — Boston Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia, on his power coming back after a thumb injury.
“The Russian team may be defeated, but they go home heroes. Except for Shestyorkin who will get executed, these boys have made Mother proud.” — Russian hockey writer Slava Malamud, after Canada beat Russia and its goaltender Igor Shestyorkin 5-4.
“Congrats to the Canadian juniors, except for the poor bastards who will become Edmonton Oilers.” — Chris Jones of Esquire and ESPN.
“We have an identity. We don’t make shots.” — Brooklyn Nets coach Lionel Hollins, on whether his struggling team had an identity.
“If New England was to be DQ’d . . . we’d be their replacements, right? I should probably lay off these strawberry margs.” — Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee in the early days of Deflategate, before the Super Bowl.
“Belichick: All happy footballs are alike; every unhappy football is unhappy in its own way.” — The New Yorker’s Amy Davidson, on Bill Belichick’s detailed explanation of deflation of footballs.
“Didn’t think it would come to that. It’s part of the business, trading guys you feel strongly about.” — Chicago Blackhawks centre Jonathan Toews, on trading Phil Kessel for Tyler Seguin in the NHL all-star fantasy draft.
“Smoke lays across the land. The only sound is the wind through the ruins and the howl of orphaned children. Welcome to the Ford Knicks post-game.” — @netw3rk of Grantland, in summing up the New York Knicks in 2014-15.
FEBRUARY
“The first day at a new job is always scary, but thankfully I had a shower with my co-workers to look forward to and that took the edge off.” — Pitcher Brandon McCarthy, on Twitter, on joining the Los Angeles Dodgers.
“If those guys with the T-shirt cannons ever become disgruntled, that would be pretty cool.” — Rob Tychkowski of the Edmonton Sun.
“Malcolm Butler worked at Popeyes, Chris Matthews worked at Foot Locker. Moral of the story? Never underestimate your plumber.” — Kendall Marshall of the Philadelphia 76ers, as Matthews and Butler both became unexpected heroes during New England’s stunning Super Bowl victory over the Seattle Seahawks, capped by Butler’s shocking goal-line interception.
“We invited Pete Carroll, coach of the Seahawks, to be on the show, but he passed.” — David Letterman, the night Patriots coach Bill Belichick was on the show.
“He got all excited afterward. I told him to learn how to make a shot.” — Dallas Mavericks coach Rick Carlisle, after losing a game of Connect 4 to mercurial point guard Rajon Rondo.
“Why couldn’t Mr. Hockey have been born in Mexico?” — Wayne Gretzky, at least half-joking, while visiting Saskatoon in February for a benefit for Gordie Howe.
“People upset with our QB for going to 50 Shades of Grey. Your head would explode if you saw the rest of the team’s Internet browser histories.” — Seattle Seahawks punter Jon Ryan, on Twitter, on a manufactured Russell Wilson controversy.
“I do have one regret . . . I finished with (eight) home runs really wanted to get 20 so if any team wants to sign me for three years that should be enough time.” — Miami Marlins outfielder Juan Pierre, age 38, on Twitter.
“Forget the dress guys . . . What colour am I?” — Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin, as the Internet argued over the colour of a dress.
MARCH
“Let’s just move the Thunder to Seattle for a season, let Durant’s foot breathe the salty, piny air. See what happens.” — Matt Ufford of SB Nation, after Kevin Durant of the Oklahoma City Thunder — formerly the Seattle SuperSonics — broke his foot.
“Yeah, yeah, just work on getting out of your zone.” — Mike Babcock, on Detroit Red Wing defenceman Brendan Smith saying he was his team’s choice as a hypothetical emergency goalie replacement.
“Well, I have a head, so you never know what could happen.” — Former NBA player Charles Oakley, on his bobblehead night in Toronto, asked whether he ever expected to become a bobblehead.
“A farewell to arms.” — Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, envisioning the headline when the A’s cut ambidextrous pitcher Pat Venditte.
“Dumbbell slipped at the gym today and smoked my finger. I blame gravity. But gravity made my lift possible, so I guess I have mixed feelings.” — Canadian national women’s team soccer player Diana Matheson.
APRIL
“Jordan Spieth ties the Masters scoring record. At 21, you like to leave yourself a few goals in life.” — Dan Jenkins of Golf Digest.
“We are gonna do our best to take the crowd out of it early. Wish us luck.” — Chicago White Sox outfielder Adam Eaton, before a game played in front of an empty stadium in Baltimore due to civil unrest.
“I was just trying to get on a top 10 list for something. I’m pretty sure that might make it.” — Edmonton Oilers goaltender Richard Bachman, after giving up a goal to Los Angeles’ Drew Doughty from centre ice.
“We’re going to have to adjust to their adjustments to the adjustment that we made to their adjustment that we adjusted.” — Houston Rockets coach Kevin McHale.
“Man the Kings really ARE good at possession.” — Ryan Lambert of Yahoo, at @twolinepass, after Jarrett Stoll of the Corsi-friendly Los Angeles Kings was arrested for drug possession.
“The Oilers should really start hanging those Draft Lottery Envelopes up in the rafters, next to all those old Stanley Cup banners.” — Sean Fitz-Gerald of the Toronto Star, after the Oilers won the draft lottery — again.
“If Hannibal Lecter ran a 4.3, we’d probably diagnose it as an eating disorder.” — Arizona Cardinals general manager Steve Keim, on how the NFL weighs character when the draft rolls around.
MAY
“Boy: I wished girls liked sports. Girl: I like sports. Boy: Oh yeah name the blood type of the Seahawks coach from the 1990s.” — @maliagif, writing on Twitter, on girls and sports.
“Vladimir Putin reportedly scored eight goals during a hockey game in Sochi this weekend. And the goalie only had one save: his own life.” — Late-night talk-show host Seth Meyers.
“History will be made when the new span connecting Detroit to Windsor, Ont., is named in honour of hockey great Gordie Howe. It’s believed to be the first Howe-inspired bridge that wasn’t installed by a dentist.” — Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.
“Turns out all it takes to get Americans to care about soccer is some good old-fashioned organized crime.” — Freelance writer-filmmaker Erin Faulk, on FIFA arrests.
“Let’s do a one-day, $50 million contract so I can retire as a Packer. Is that how it works?” — Former Green Bay tight end Tom Crabtree, after Ed Reed signed a one-day contract to retire a Baltimore Raven.
“Report: Underpaid migrant labourers working 18 hours per day on FIFA legal defence.” — The Onion.
“The first Canadian team to win the Cup since 1993 is gonna celebrate with the biggest flying-cars parade ever.” — Jason Brough of NBC’s Pro Hockey Talk, after the Montreal Canadiens were the last Canadian team eliminated.
“American Pharoah: first in running, last in spelling.” — Author and New Yorker contributor Ben Greenman, on the Triple Crown winning-horse.
“And we jokingly called Aaron Hernandez ‘The Murderer’ because of his love of crows! COMMON SENSE, GUYS.” — Drew Magary of Deadspin, after lawyers for New England Patriots equipment manager Jim McNally claimed he called himself The Deflator because he wanted to lose weight.
“It was so warm in New York today that Tom Brady was deflating footballs just for the breeze.” — Letterman, after the NFL suspended Tom Brady for four games.
JUNE
“It would have been more impressive if the baby had caught it.” — Los Angeles Dodgers first baseman Adrian Gonzalez, after a father at a Cubs-Dodgers game snagged a foul ball with one hand while holding a baby in the other.
“The best part will be in 48 hours, when an anonymous Bruins source says that 2017 third-round pick wasn’t very well-liked in the room.” — Mike Halford of NBC’s Pro Hockey Talk, after Boston traded a pick for Zac Rinaldo.
“Unable to find a white man, the Utah Jazz select a man from Saskatoon.” — the Toronto Star’s Daniel Dale, on Utah taking Canadian Trey Lyles in the NBA draft.
“In keeping with baseball tradition, a Houston exec should walk into the St. Louis offices and hit their best front office guy with a fastball.” — Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Brandon McCarthy, after St. Louis officials were found to have hacked into an Astros database.
“Our athletic program has not reached the point where we require the numbing effects of alcohol.” — Texas A&M chancellor John Sharp, on why his school wasn’t going to follow in the University of Texas’ footsteps and start selling alcohol at games.
“Welcome to Edmonton, Connor. Don’t mess up everything we’ve built the last five years!” — Edmonton Oilers left winger Taylor Hall, on Twitter, after the Oilers took McDavid No. 1.
JULY
“FIFA retires Sepp Blatter’s routing number.” — The Onion, after the ethically embattled FIFA president announced he would step down, eventually.
“I thought we had a good relationship.” — Kansas City Royals third baseman Mike Moustakas, after manager Ned Yost sent him in to pinch-hit against flamethrower Aroldis Chapman.
“I wonder how he feels being beat by a woman for once.” — Ronda Rousey, on defeating boxer Floyd Mayweather for the ESPY for Best Fighter.
“My assistant Jack Daniels and I actually destroy a cellphone every four months or so. Usually just the screen but I get it.” — Chris Long of the St. Louis Rams, on reports that Tom Brady destroyed his phone during the Deflategate investigation.
“This news only confirms what we already knew: Tom Brady isn’t a mobile quarterback.” — Mina Kimes of ESPN The Magazine.
“Shanahan: ‘It is my great honour to introduce Lou Lamoriello.’ Lou: ‘Thanks Brendan. Also, you’re fired.’ Shanahan: ‘What?’ Lou: ‘GET OUT!!!’” — Grantland’s Sean McIndoe, with an imaginary version of the Toronto Maple Leafs hiring Lou Lamoriello as their general manager.
“Blue Jays acquired both Troy and LaTroy to satisfy local bilingual laws.” — @Minor_Leaguer, on Twitter, on the Blue Jays trading for Troy Tulowitzki and LaTroy Hawkins.
“Why would I take him out of the game? I’ve been sobbing in the third inning before. Nobody takes me out of the game.” — New York Mets manager Terry Collins, on shortstop Wilmer Flores breaking into tears after being reportedly traded during a game.
AUGUST
“It has come out that 100 ESPN employees were on the adultery website Ashley Madison. In other words, infidelity has finally entered the world of sports.” — Late-night talk-show host Conan O’Brien.
“It’s been a long year this week.” — Philadelphia Phillies radio analyst Larry Andersen, as the Mets were on the verge of a four-game sweep.
“Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said over the weekend that he’s not sure who he’ll vote for, but he loves Donald Trump. I guess Brady just loves anything that releases air.” — Seth Meyers.
“Thank God there’s no Prohibition in baseball.” — Miami Marlins manager Dan Jennings, on his 71-win team.
“I visit schools all off-season telling kids to eat healthy. Then they catch me at McDonalds. I say I’m just checking to see if they’re there.” — Hamilton Tiger-Cats offensive lineman Peter Dyakowski, on healthy eating.
SEPTEMBER
“You know what? I’d be lying if I didn’t say I blacked out.” — Toronto Blue Jays second baseman Ryan Goins, on hitting the first walk-off homer of his life in a 5-3 win over Cleveland.
“Great day for Tom Brady but I feel really bad for that Dom Grady guy that was gonna start in his place. Stay ready, Dom. Be a professional.” — Los Angeles Clippers forward Blake Griffin, on Tom Brady’s four-game suspension being vacated by a judge.
“For Sale — Jimmy Garoppolo’s cleats. Never worn...” — Writer Dan O’Sullivan, at @Bro_Pair, on the Patriots backup quarterback.
“Andy Reid has worse clock management than the Irving school district folks.” — @PFTCommenter of SBNation, on both the Kansas City Chiefs coach and the kid in Texas who was arrested for bringing a homemade clock to school.
“When you’re that good it’s easy to have fun. I would guess, anyway.” — Toronto Blue Jays manager John Gibbons, on fun-loving pitcher David Price.
OCTOBER
“IM NOT THE LIVER POOL MANAGER.” — Colorado Rockies shortstop Brendan Rogers, on Twitter, after Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers was fired.
“If I lose my phone tonight, the first place I will look for it is in Jared Cowen’s hair. You can store lots of stuff in there.” — ESPN and TSN’s Pierre LeBrun, on the generously maned Ottawa Senators defenceman.
“And it ain’t crack, man. Don’t even try that.” — Cleveland Cavaliers guard J.R. Smith, on losing 17 pounds over the summer.
“If I’m Bautista and I’d just hit that home run, I’m lighting the bat on fire and humping it like Hendrix at Monterey Pop.” — Singer Jason Isbell, on the criticism of Jose Bautista’s now-famous bat flip. “MAGICIAN: shows Harold a pack of cards. HAROLD REYNOLDS: How did you do that. MAGICIAN: I didn’t do a trick ye-. HAROLD REYNOLDS: Incredible.” — @Ethan_Booker, on Twitter, on the FOX baseball analyst who drove Canada kind of crazy.
“If you ever do a photo shoot, do not kiss any mirrors.” — New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez, turning 40, with some life advice.
“Typical Canadians, unable to defeat Royals.” — @BobbyBigWheel, after the Jays fell to Kansas City in six games.
“Anthopoulos being declared executive of the year during the conference call about his departure is the most Toronto sports moment of all-time.” — Stephen Marche of Esquire, on the departure of Blue Jays general manager Alex Anthopoulos.
“Last night, the Mets’ Bartolo Colon became the oldest pitcher to lose a World Series game. You can tell he’s old, because when the manager came out to talk to him, he was just happy to have a visitor.” — Latenight talk-show host Jimmy Fallon.
“I was there. I was involved. I spoke. I begged. I got on my knees. I offered my children. Things like that.” — San Antonio Spurs coach Gregg Popovich, on the recruitment of free-agent forward LaMarcus Aldridge.
“This doesn’t feel real right now. I got a couple things to admit: I didn’t prepare a speech and they gave me a lot of drinks.” — Steve Nash, at his jersey retirement ceremony in Phoenix.
NOVEMBER
“The Kansas City Procrastinators.” — Dodgers pitcher Brandon McCarthy, on the Royals recording eight come-from-behind victories in their 11 post-season wins en route to a World Series victory.
“The Mets have nothing to hold their head downs for, except they didn’t play that well and they gave away this World Series.” — Hall of Famer Frank Thomas, analyzing the World Series on FOX.
“We’re in the second intermission and, amazingly, Canucks haven’t run out of heroic Grizzlies highlights.” — Iain MacIntyre of the Vancouver Sun, on Grizzlies night in Vancouver.
“If DFS protesters don’t succeed today, that’s OK. They can always go back tomorrow. It’s a new protest every day. No season-long commitment.” — Kenny Ducey, a contributor to Sports Illustrated and FanGraphs, on protests against the regulation of daily fantasy sports in New York.
“I’d be standing upright more.” — Calgary Stampeders long-snapper Randy Chevrier, on what he would do if he wasn’t a football player.
“We’re a steak dinner for six at Manny’s away from the cap, so we’ve got lots of space as long as somebody doesn’t order the double baked potato.” — Minnesota Wild general manager Chuck Fletcher, on scraping right up against the salary cap.
DECEMBER
“What we were searching for, quite honestly, was a scheme that would work with a total lack of effort.” — Detroit Pistons coach Stan Van Gundy, on his team’s defence.
“Donald Trump told People Magazine that he’s good at sports. Which could be true, because it does seem like he’s had a lot of concussions.” — Conan O’Brien.
“During interviews Gronk sounds like the guy you send in to talk to the parents while the rest of you steal a case of beer from the fridge.” — Jason Gay of the Wall Street Journal, on New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski.
“Since we’re changing the pronunciation of my name, just start calling me Denzel.” — Montreal Canadiens defenceman P.K. Subban, on a French rights group asking that his name be pronounced in French.
“Put it this way. I’m glad my dad didn’t name me Richard. That would be a long day. Tiger is O.K., but Richard would have been tough.” — Tiger Woods.
“And he chose Willie Mitchell. It’s time to retire. Bye.” — Florida Panthers winger Jaromir Jagr, 43, on centre Jonathan Huberdeau passing to a defensive defenceman instead of him.