Resolutions for the great and not-so-great
With another year gone and a new one dawning, tradition calls for some frank self-examination backed by a bold determination to do better. New Year’s resolutions customarily involve losing weight, quitting smoking or doing more exercise. But we expect more from public figures, especially those in extra need of selfimprovement.
With that in mind, here are some irreverent suggestions for New Year’s resolutions we’d like to see from the great, the near-great, and the not-so-great-at-all: Mayor
John Tory: Resolve to read the dictionary, especially for the meaning of the word “tax.” Your proposed special “levy,” for a City Building Fund, is a tax no matter what you call it.
Walter Palmer: Resolve to find a new stupid hobby, maybe geocaching, that’s kind of dumb. Whatever you do, quit big game hunting. Your senseless slaughter of Cecil the celebrity lion rendered you a worldwide pariah.
Elizabeth May: Resolve to stay offstage after a bout of the “flu.” Your tasteless, rambling, expletive-spiked comedy stylings at the annual Ottawa press gallery dinner had many wondering what caused your bizarre performance. Thank goodness you explained that you were just tired and recovering from flu.
Wayne Gretzky: Resolve to leave political stickhandling to someone else. Your embarrassing endorsement of Conservative leader Stephen Harper in the last federal election revealed just how out of touch you are with your homeland.
Premier Kathleen Wynne: Relax and resolve to quit worrying. Sure, the auditor general has revealed massive bungling by the Liberal government, taking billions from Ontarians thorough botched hydro policies, leaving seniors in the lurch, and putting vulnerable children at risk. But the next election is almost three years away, so no problem. Right?
Mike Babcock: Resolve to carry a lucky rabbit’s foot, four-leaf clover, and whatever else works for you. You’re going to need them as head coach of the chronically struggling Maple Leafs.
Rachel Dolezal: Resolve to better understand who you are. Some situations really are black-and-white, including the absurdity of your posing as an African-American, despite having no African biology or ancestry. It was years before you finally dropped the charade and acknowledged being born to white parents.
Doug Ford: Resolve to go for it! We can think of no better person to lead the federal Conservative Party to where it truly belongs. To your credit, you’ve pioneered all sorts of political innovations, such wading into a crowd and handing out $20 bills. Hey, it’s not a bribe, it’s a gift.
Trevor Noah: Resolve to get funny — and soon. After taking over The Daily Show from the peerless Jon Stewart a period of adjustment was only to be expected. But folks are starting to notice you’re still stuck in neutral. Nice way to squander a legacy.
Dalton McGuinty: Resolve that, next time, you’ll try writing non- fiction. Political autobiographies are typically self-serving attempts at whitewashing the record, but yours is even further from reality than most. For example, you still claim the gas plant imbroglio was “the right thing to do.” Good luck getting anyone to believe that.
Fiona Crean: Resolve to sharpen your pencil. As Toronto’s first ombudsman you repeatedly held rogue mayor Rob Ford to account, but now your job is to do the same with a much bigger target: Hydro One. Given this bumbling utility’s history of generating billing complaints, you’re going to be busy.
Chief Mark Saunders: Resolve to issue a BOLO to find some efficiencies. Your response to the carding controversy was muddled and unsatisfactory, and you’ve failed to deliver substantial savings in a police budget now soaring beyond $1 billion. Toronto expected better.
Brian Williams: Resolve to deliver new tall tales. NBC suspended, and then demoted you over your fabricated accounts of being under fire in Iraq and watching someone commit suicide in New Orleans. But those fables were so much more interesting than anything you actually did. Give us more.
Rona Ambrose: Resolve to study the master’s dark ways. As interim leader of the federal Conservatives you’ve got a tough job and it might be useful to practise some of the skills that kept Stephen Harper in power for so long: domination, obfuscation, intimidation, blind partisanship and, of course, singing popular tunes.
Donald Trump: There’s no joke here — resolve to leave the political stage and never return. Your vile presidential campaign has preyed on the public’s worst instincts. Along the way you’ve misrepresented the facts, engaged in outright lies, and offended everyone from Muslims to the disabled. Begone!