Dangerous cocktail of drugs and dependency
Recently, my boyfriend and I had our best friends over for dinner (they’re married with a baby). He had to leave briefly and they kept talking about how happy he is with me. When he returned, we upped the alcohol to drugs and I had a really bad trip.
I thought I heard him tell his friend to take pictures of me while I was sleeping and that he could touch me. I kept opening my eyes and no one was moving around but it felt so crazy to me.
The next day he left for Mexico and I was alone for a week. I detoxed and was feeling better when he returned.
Last night, we were with our roommates and he thought I wasn’t looking but he started mouthing something to the guy, pointed at me, and made the signal for sleep. When I confronted him, he gave me a mini lecture about how he understands that I’m a bit insecure. Today, we had lunch with our best friends and he whispered something to the woman and pointed at me. When asked, she said he was just telling her about who was coming for dinner.
Am I crazy for not believing anything anyone’s telling me right now? I feel like something’s going on and I hate it. When he gets drunk or high, he’s always the same guy, just more hyper or a little more sensitive.
But lately he’s been pushing some boundaries (e.g. I like to be manhandled in bed but he playslapped me today in public.)
He hasn’t crossed the line but I feel so paranoid. He’s good at making me believe everything he says.
He tells me everything that’s going on or what he’s thinking (e.g. we’ve discussed a threesome. I don’t ever feel he would cheat on me).
I want to love him because he’s given me so much that my own parents haven’t given me.
P.S. There’s a significant age difference and a history of pushing mental limits with drugs on both our parts. I can’t lose him: he’s my mentor, my family, my support and my happiness/ strength when I’m about to give in to my demons. Am I paranoid?
You need more help than a one-off response to this situation.
You have a relationship of codependency on each other — you need his support and he needs to control you.
You both complicate the relationship through excesses of alcohol, drugs, rough-play sex and ramping up the risks in all three areas. No one should slap you, not in private or public. Either way, it can get out of hand.
You got over your bad drug trip, so the whispering, pointing, etc. is real, not imagined. You don’t know what “game” he has in mind and that’s truly worrisome.
He may have been good for you when you needed it most, but you’re clearly older now and rightfully unsure where all this is going. That’s because he’s always in control of what you do and even what you think. He uses his age difference for power over you. That’s not safe for you.
Do not accept that this is all “insecurity” on your part. Insist on getting straight answers you can believe. If his response is threatening or more physical, plan a safe way to leave him, at the very least for a break.
You also need personal counselling which is accessible through a local YWCA, community agency or women’s shelter.