> OFF THE RACK (SPECIAL NO-TABLOIDS EDITION)

MILITARY HERITAGE

Cover: Well, the tabloid magazines didn’t arrive by deadline this week, but we’re sure we can find celebrity beefs and drama anywhere. For instance: the U.S. Civil War’s Battle of Spotsylvania — the North versus former BFF the South — sees Ulysses S. Grant throw shade and thousands of pounds of artillery at Robert E. Lee (not the Bobby Lee from Mad TV). The latter hung tough but it had to hurt. Very nearly the worst. Breakup. Ever. Zero score: Meanwhile (in 1944), Japanese Vice-Admiral Ozawa and U.S. Admiral Raymond A. Spruance are battling over the Philippine Sea like it’s a favourite restaurant. You can guess who wins; it’s an aerial battle and as with Harrison Ford, friends all say supportive things about Ozawa’s flying habits, but they secretly think retirement is in order.

ANIMAL WELLNESS

Cover: The Pointer Brothers are Gus and Travis, two handsome Canadian dogs who are huge on Instagram and Facebook but — scandal! — not actually brothers. Travis has passed on but still is frequently seen with newly published content online; I sure hope no YouTube celebrities pick up this idea. Double take: Venus is a tortoiseshell cat with a half a black face; her latest picture is a hit — going viral, in fact — and everyone is beguiled by her but, as always, be cautioned that you cannot take your style tips from young stars.

NATURE

Cover: Nature blows the lid off a longstanding mystery: who the big “major molecular players” are in determining the asymmetric division of certain cells in flies. OK, so it’s not the Black Dahlia or anything. Lens capped: Hawaii’s top court aims to stop construction on the ThirtyMeter Telescope, literally intended to peep at the stars; somewhere, Alec Baldwin nods in vague, mystified satisfaction. Space cases: Five years after failing to insert itself into the planet’s orbit, Japan’s Akatsuki spacecraft is finally together with Venus and insiders say they couldn’t be happier. There’s more heat than is good for Akatsuki and of course if he gets too close the atmosphere’s thick and corrosive . . . ah, write your own Kardashian joke. Garnet Fraser