Hardware fo a hard mont

Stars are so over awards season, it’s all they can do to vamp

OK!

Cover: In which a gossip mag tries to write about abdication without ever exposing its American readers to a scary, four-syllable word like that. So it just says that Queen Elizabeth will step down this year and somehow bypass Prince Charles in favour of the sexier royals, William and Kate, with all the tradition and majesty of Ryan Seacrest replacing Dick Clark on the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve telecast. Could happen, I guess; can’t assume a lady likes her job just because she has held onto it since Winston Churchill was prime minister.

IN TOUCH

Cover: Katie Holmes is getting serious with Jamie Foxx, possibly upsetting Tom Cruise. Actually, the mag just assumes that Cruise will object, as should you, if only to imagine the clash in cinematic terms — Ethan Hunt vs. Django Unchained (that is his last name, right?) battling for the paternal affections of Suri. Hundreds of plush toys will be bought, and then shot! Things will be hacked, horsewhipped, climbed and dynamited!

STAR

Cover: I would not deny you one morsel of this personal-assistants-tell-all piece, so let’s get to it: Christian Bale has harangued people about rudeness “until tears streamed down their faces,” Kim Kardashian stores her liposuctioned fat, Taylor Swift won’t tolerate the non-gorgeous in her presence except Lena Dunham, Brad Pitt draws poop on everything, Angelina Jolie demands praise for her bad movies, Elton John uses a wheelchair he doesn’t need (just like Guy Caballero!), Julia Roberts wears the Pretty Woman hooker outfit once a year for her husband, and of course Mariah Carey could have been a magazine all by herself: can’t work a microwave, insists that her assistants wash her hair in the shower, etc. You’re welcome. Beastly beau: Miranda Lambert is dating “bad boy” singer Anderson East, whose sexy misdeeds include . . . nothing, except misdemeanours that were dropped nine years ago. Truly Satan’s BFF. So let’s get back to the personal assistants: Louis from One Direction has head lice, Justin Bieber sleeps with his staff, and — if you still don’t think he was miscast as Christian Grey — Jamie Dornan is obsessed with needlepoint. Garnet Fraser

AKM-GSI PHOTO Every couple has its little rituals; for Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and Jason Statham, it’s strutting onto a beach and watching as fellow sunbathers — once proud of their beach bods — go home to kill themselves.

INSTAGRAM.COM/CARADELEVINGNE Thanks to Cara Delevingne for capturing what we all secretly feel when visiting the Mona Lisa. And what we will probably feel watching Cara in Suicide Squad.

One feels for Chloe Bridges (right), a young actress trying to smoulder and beg But the nakedly needier eyes of Adam Devine and tongue of Sarah Hyland sim

REUTERS Vanessa Hugdens arrives at the People’s Choice Awards with Julianne Hough only to find her trophy for Dignified and Ethical Vamping has been abruptly cancelled.

Cate Blanchett accepts another award and is stunning! It’s stunning how

GETTY IMAGES Carol Channing’s re-emergence at age 94 accomplished one thing: It got your clueless grandmother thinking we’d finally found the right girl for Karl Lagerfeld.

GETTY IMAGES

Jennifer Lawrence arrive alone, but when you’re a treasure, people just give