A secret anniversary should stay private

When my boyfriend and I began dating, we had to keep it a secret. He and his wife had separated and lived in different houses, but he didn’t want his family to know the truth because of the drama it’d cause. (I understood, since we grew up together.) What pains me now is that he never set the story straight. We’re coming up on an anniversary and I’d like to celebrate and let it known that we’ve been together this long. I’m proud to be his and for him to be mine. I love him more than anything.

When they finally got a divorce, everyone thought he left her for me, which wasn’t the case since he dated someone before we got together.

I haven’t asked him to tell everyone, but he acts like it’s not a big deal.

Am I too sensitive? Other than this problem, our relationship is great. Hurt

The truth can be hurtful to others. Even though they were separated, he clearly felt that your relationship (which was well beyond dating) would cause problems for his ex and perhaps also for his family.

And he may feel he’s protecting you from more certainty that you’re the cause of his breakup.

Meanwhile, you’re together and happy. If you ask him to tell you why he’s held back the truth, assure him that you’ll understand.

Then celebrate your anniversary privately for now — it won’t matter at all in time — and enjoy your life together.

My best friend just turned 49. I’ve been trying for years to encourage him to get his driver’s licence.

But for some reason he’s gone through all of his adult life waiting at bus stops and taxi stands.

He doesn’t have any handicaps or health issues.

I think he’s greatly losing out on confidence, independence and even dating. He still lives in his mother’s house and pays her modest room and board.

He’s very smart, yet very complacent and often needs his mother and her basement as his security blanket. How does this happen to someone who was once confident, self-assured and even lived on his own years ago?

Now, after a year or so of periodically being on his own, he always returns to the safety and security of his mother’s house.

I think this needs to stop, especially since he’s gainfully employed and can afford a decent small apartment.

He enjoys travel, drive-ins, NASCAR and going to car shows, yet has never had a driver’s licence.

Aman, 49, living with his mother and without a vehicle and a driver’s licence: Is this not a major turnoff for most women of the 21st century? His mother even told me that her son “needs to leave the nest once and for all.”

But she probably feels guilt about her only child struggling to survive in the modern world. I think she’s doing more harm than good at this stage. Concerned Friend

There can be many reasons for your friend’s semi-dependant lifestyle choice, which he either doesn’t understand himself or doesn’t want to share.

He may have some mental-health issues such as phobias.

He may have more serious health issues that he feels are not anyone else’s business.

You have strong opinions about what he should be doing, but what he may need more of is compassion, and a friend who encourages him to get professional help towards restoring his self-confidence and independence.

He needs a broader approach to his well-being than just a driver’s licence.

Tip of the day If a happy fact can be hurtful to another, it’s best kept private for awhile. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.