Don’t feel threatened by lover’s ‘wondering eye’

My boyfriend of three years and I are happy together. I know he loves me and we have a great relationship.

But it really bothers me when I notice that he checks out other women regularly.

It makes me feel like I’m not enough for him and it also embarrasses me.

I’ve told him this, and that it upsets me. He gets annoyed and angry. He thinks I’m just not confident and he says it’s human nature to look at other people. I heard an old man once say that he knew he’d found the One when other women didn’t turn his head. I have always thought that when you really love someone, you do not care about what else is out there.

Am I being silly to think I could curb his wandering eyes? Watchful Girlfriend

That “old man” may’ve been very smart in making his wife believe she was that special that he never noticed other women . . . or he was very old.

Most people notice attractiveness, sexiness, style and even attitude. Few people are oblivious to these natural human signals.

So while I’m with you in believing that your boyfriend shouldn’t be ogling other women, I’m with your boyfriend when he says that you’re lacking confidence in yourself.

However, you’re with him when it happens, so try to assess what he’s really doing, then speak up.

A notice is fine, a nod to the other woman is not, and stopping to stare is insulting. A comment to you about what someone’s wearing is fine, a negative comparison to you is unacceptable.

Be yourself, and fight feeling insecure. My parents were working poor; my sister and I had only the basics. My dad was controlling. My sister butted heads with him.

I eventually got a university degree and a good job. My sister had no ambition and enjoyed blaming others for her misfortunes.

She’s been into drugs since her teens, can’t hold a job or support herself. Dad died, and Mom got tired of supporting her.

My sister lost her car, ended up in a mental-health ward.

She’s resented me my entire life, as “the favourite.” She badmouthed me, and complained to everyone else in the family so that now nobody talks to me. Now, she wants to see my three young kids. I’ve told my mom that my sister needs to seek professional help for her drug issues and apologize to me for her behaviour.

My sister refuses. But I refuse to let my children have an aunt float in and out of their lives while under the influence of drugs. She manipulates people, lies, steals and floats from one man to another. Am I being too harsh in not wanting my kids to be exposed to her drug habits and lifestyle? Excluding My Sister

Looking out for the best interests of your young children is your main task.

Your sister hasn’t shown any previous respect for you, so you can’t trust that she’ll abide by any rules or restrictions in how she behaves around your children.

Your response — that she get help for drug issues (more important than an apology) — is the best way you can express a family connection.

Tell her directly, if you can, that what you want for her is her wellbeing and a fulfilling life. But it has to start with her getting clean.

Until then, her lifestyle is too problematic for close involvement with young children.

An aunt is supposed to be a source of comfort and caring for youngsters, not the reverse.

I agree that your boyfriend shouldn’t be ogling other women. But he has a point when he says that you’re lacking confidence. When it happens try to assess what’s going on, then speak up

Tip of the day Don’t confuse noticing attractiveness with having a “wandering eye.” Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Ellie chats at noon Wednesdays at thestar.com/elliechat. Follow @ellieadvice.