Start a gentle dialogue about physical touch

I’m a college freshman, now close with a girl I’ve known since childhood, who’s at the same university. We’ve gone on six dates since September. We’ve told each other basically everything and we’re both definitely sexually interested in each other.

But we’ve never physically touched.

I always feel really disappointed after nothing happens again and again. How can I bring more physical things into our relationship? Frustrated Dater

Try to hold her hand when it’s appropriate, like walking together, hug her when saying goodnight. If she resists, gently ask why.

It’s time to start a soft conversation about physical touch . . . not a heavy probe. She may wish to remain cautious or a virgin until she’s in a committed relationship.

Mention you’re both being sexually attracted and ask her how she’d be comfortable expressing that interest.

It’s clear that she won’t initiate. And six dates in six months doesn’t suggest anything serious with you . . . yet.

“Touching” has to happen naturally — a hug good night, a warm pat on her shoulder.

And then a relaxed understanding of how intimate you’re both willing to become. I live with a wonderful man and we’re expecting a child soon together. Lately everything’s been fine, even pretty great, until a political issue divided us.

He likes to watch political shows, especially American ones (we live in rural Canada), which I mostly enjoy, given that I’ve always been interested in politics.

However, he’s been getting more and more into conspiracy theories lately, which I abhor. It makes me gag to hear about these theories and my religious background is often put into question by these shows.

I can’t help but feel insulted. Yet whenever I mention the shows, I insult my boyfriend. I want to stand up for what I believe in and I don’t want to be forced to believe in what he believes in. But I don’t want to keep fighting over this. Opposite Views

Many couples have differing political and/or religious views, but what matters for living comfortably together is the degree to which one person insists that only his or her views are correct.

That’s the discussion you and your boyfriend need to have.

Dr. Phil’s famously repeated line on his TV show is only a start: “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

You do not want to be intimidated or in constant battle.

This will become even more important after you have the baby and different parenting methods are discussed.

It’s important to agree now on a way to communicate without it becoming a fight to always win.

If that’s proving impossible, getting counselling together may be the only way for you both to respect each other’s views but allow room for agreeing to agree and compromise where needed. Feedback regarding the woman whose partner openly ogles other women and comments on them (Jan. 22 and Feb. 19):

Reader: “This behaviour is very disrespectful to everyone and especially when done in the presence of a partner. She should ask how would he like it?

“Then if it continues, as a brief object lesson, why doesn’t she start ogling at and commenting upon men when she’s with her partner?

“If he protests, she can echo back his own lines about his ‘insecurity.’ If he ‘gets’ it and stops, fine.

“If he doesn’t and claims that women ogling men is ‘different’ and ‘not appropriate,’ then she has advance notice that life with this man is going to be double-standard behaviour all the way.” Been There Tip of the day During early and infrequent dating, sexual contact should be negotiated respectfully. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.

What matters for living comfortably together is the degree to which one person insists that only his or her views are correct