Ask your husband to set boundaries with his exes

I’m my husband’s third wife. He was married to wife No. 1 for 10 years, they had a son together. Both remarried in 1994. She had another son with her next husband. My husband and his second wife divorced in 2013. They had a daughter together.

My husband’s first ex told him after their divorce that she didn’t want him, but wanted no one else to have him.

She’s remained involved in every aspect of his life. Their son’s now 33, yet she’s still calling him to “chit chat.”

She and my sister-in-law are still very close. That’s fine, but I mind No.1still being introduced as “sister-in-law” and me being introduced as “wife No. 22.”

Recently, wife No. 1 hosted a baby shower for my husband’s niece. I had no problem attending, but they’d also invited my husband’s ex-girlfriend — the one he dated right before dating me! My sister-in-law and my husband’s whole family have been very sweet to me and I honestly believe they don’t realize how much this hurts me and how disrespectful it feels. How do I address this? Third and Last Take the high road. You’re his wife now; these others are from his past.

If your sister-in-law or his family were rude in other ways, you might want to speak up yourself about what you feel.

But for now, it’s your husband who should set some boundaries for his ex and his family.

“Chit-chats” about a 33-year-old son or related topics should be at a minimum.

He can cut all her other calls short, and be clearer that his life is full enough with you.

He also needs to say that there’s no reason for keeping his past girlfriend on invitation lists, and that her presence at “family” events is disrespectful to you.

My female friend was in a relationship with my male friend for seven years, on and off. They never lived together. Two years ago they found a house they both liked and bought it. The woman was short $50,000 towards her part of the purchase, so her boyfriend loaned her the money until she could sell one of her own properties and pay him back.

The debt was recorded in writing.

Last year, the man died and his girlfriend now claims that she doesn’t have to pay back the money.

While I’m unsure of the legal answer, I believe that morally she does need to pay back the loan.

I told her that her position’s really bothering me. She responded with some nasty notes.

The family’s going after her for the $50,000, so she again asked my advice. When I said, pay back the money, she wrote another nasty note.

I’ve stopped all communication with her. I can’t afford to ask a lawyer about this issue, but her own lawyer’s convinced her that she doesn’t have to pay up.

However, his family’s pursuing it in court. Where do I go from here? Upset

With respect for your strong feelings on this matter, you don’t have “anywhere to go,” beyond distancing further from this friendship. The decision is with the courts. Morally, if the man has heirs, she should pay them what he was owed.

Legally, the decision may rest with whether the debt document was witnessed, and/or can be proven to be valid.

You now have no respect for this woman, and she feels little regard for you, so even if she “wins,” the friendship is already lost. Tip of the day Setting boundaries for involvement with exes is necessary support for a current partner. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.