Ketchup activism should just be the start.
Canuck condiments aren’t the only things we should squeeze our food purveyors about
So this is what it takes to rile up Canadian consumers
We will tolerate shoddy customer service and unstable pricing. But screw around with our condiments and you better run for cover before ketchup enthusiasts start hurling Molotov cocktails through grocery store windows.
This was the lesson squeezed onto Loblaw this week after the grocery behemoth said it would no longer stock French’s ketchup, a brand made with Canadian tomatoes.
The decision left a bad taste in the mouths of patriotic sauce trimmers, who revolted, threatened a boycott and likely sent crates of desecrated President’s Choice Rosemary Crackers to Galen .Weston Jr.: “Choke on these, swine! Stop violating our ketchup rights. May you burn in hell for doing this to Leamington.”
Loblaw soon flip-flopped like a star from The Bachelor hours after the finale.
“We will restock French’s ketchup and hope that the enthusiasm we are seeing in the media and on social media translates into sales of the product,” the company said in a somewhat passive-aggressive statement.
I had no hotdog in this fight. I didn’t even know French’s made ketchup. But the speed with which our garnishing guerrillas won this condiment war is inspiring.
We should use their tactics to push for more grocery store reform.
1. Lean on manufacturers to reduce packaging: There was another food outrage this week, about a “pre-cut avocado” sold at Sobeys. Who is paying $3.99 for one avocado that comes bundled in more cardboard and plastic than a Star Wars action figure? Is this for people who don’t own knives? Who don’t have hands? Who’ve given up on doing anything on their own?
2. Check accuracy of ‘best before’ sticker machines: Imagine my surprise this summer after checking the expiration date on a bag of black forest ham and reading, “July 12, 2158.” Really? I can safely eat this for the next 143 years? This deli meat is magical. I should put it in a time capsule: “People of the future, go ahead and make a sandwich.”
3. Train staff on where products are kept: The grocery store is the only retail space in which odds never exceed 50/50 that any of your questions will be answered. Where’s the cat food? You think Aisle 4? Could be Aisle 7? What about canned mandarins? Near the kidney beans? No, across from the fresh fruit? OK, you just keep standing there and having a staring contest with Cap’n Crunch and I’ll wander through every aisle, taking photos for next time.
4. Invest in dynamic terminals so sale prices come up automatically: Hey, I just spent 35 minutes searching for Shake’N Bake as four clerks leaned over a pallet of toilet paper discussing The Walking Dead. I don’t have the energy to scrutinize every real-time scan to ensure accuracy. And if you overcharge me for those chocolate croissants, my wife will send me back. I can’t handle two visits in one day.
5. Move free sample kiosks to the parking lot: If you were getting on an elevator or walking through an airport and a stranger offered you one third of a sausage roll on a toothpick, you’d yell: “Get the hell away from me!” But offer it inside a grocery store and people lose their minds.
You got carts smashing into one another, people lining up, small children in tears being dragged by their parents: “You are going to try a spoon of that guacamole — it’s free.” The congestion is dangerous, especially when you’re on the hunt for Fancy Feast Tuna in Gravy because your kitty is suddenly fussier than Lamar Odom at a brothel.
6. Post a List of All Discontinued Products on Front Doors: This ketchup fury is a good reminder of how attached we get to our foodstuff. There are days when I still yearn for Planters Cheez Balls. Whatever happened to Clearly Canadian? What about Bolthouse Farms Mango Lemonade? I was addicted to that stuff and now they’re trying to hook me on Mango Ginger + Carrot? What a disgusting turn of events.
7. Streamline Rewards Nationally Across All Chains: Instead of getting Air Miles at one store or proprietary points at another — or drifting through life with a pocket full of stickers like a third-grader just so I can eventually collect enough to get a pair of Jamie Oliver scissors — it’s time for every Canadian to get one point for every dollar they spend at every store. Or something like that. Get on this, Justin Trudeau. Enough of playing footsies with Obama. This country is turning into one big pre-cut avocado.