End no-sex standoff by revisiting origins of marriage

My husband and I had trouble conceiving our son and ramped up our attempts until it became a chore.

I had a high-risk pregnancy with total pelvic rest, i.e. no sex. The baby arrived in January 2013. We had sex twice in 2013, once in 2014. It’s been two years since we were last intimate.

I beg, plead, nag, try to seduce, but he’s not interested at all.

He blames work, stress, his fear of more children (though we’d originally wanted three).

I’ve asked him to talk with his doctor or talk with me, anything!

I’m 33, he’s 37. I can’t imagine my sex life is over.

Admittedly, we’ve had some trouble adjusting to parenthood. There’s been mutual resentment, which has killed much of our tenderness toward one another. He won’t go to marriage counselling. I’m sad and lonely. Desperate Housewife

He’s spooked. So start with counselling yourself and tell him about it.

That long period where sex was prohibited kept you two apart emotionally, as well as physically.

It affected both your adjustments to a baby’s/toddler’s needs.

Counselling will help you look at how to try to reach out to him as the man you once chose to marry.

NOT by begging or nagging, but simply being the person he also loved and chose (caring, fun, positive, whatever).

Your own changed response may soften the relationship.

If so, you’ll both have a chance to talk about your life together, your dreams and goals, and how to be more comfortable as parents.

Then, raise the need for you to share a healthy sex life together, no matter what you decide about having more children.

If nothing changes after all this, see your counsellor to discuss your personal options for the future. I’m a man in my early 60s and have started to date again after many years.

I’ve been amazed that I get many requests to go on first dates, which seem to be enjoyable, until “THE question” is asked of me: “Why don’t you have children?” I usually just say “My late wife and I were not blessed,” and I figured that should be enough.

But I find it’s never enough. The questions go on . . . Why didn’t you adopt? Whose fault was it? Don’t you like children?

By this time, I have usually shown pictures of my great niece and nephew so I think these women should understand that I do like children. Do women not think that men feel the pain of being childless? Tough Question

Dating again after many years, especially as a senior, is a new learning curve. Almost everyone has past history that can be sensitive to explain or even discuss.

And it’s all that more difficult to reveal your life story if the first date’s really between “still-strangers” after meeting online.

But please don’t tar all women with that same brush of not empathizing with childlessness.

Some may be truly insensitive, but mostly they’re trying to understand you better.

It’s an approach that’s unfortunately common to online dating, where that first date’s so awkward because both parties are nervous, or trying to impress, or worried that they’re out with someone who could be entirely different from what they thought.

However, your response should be enough, just as you say.

So, if the person asking seems truly interested in the answer and not just probing, add that it’s a painful subject for you, and you’d rather leave it until you both want to know each other better.

Raise the need for you to share a healthy sex life together, no matter what you decide about having more children. If nothing changes after all this, see your counsellor

Tip of the day A no-sex standoff following difficult pregnancy and parenting issues requires a return to the origins of your relationship. Read Ellie Monday to Saturday. Email ellie@thestar.ca or visit her website, ellieadvice.com. Follow @ellieadvice.