When cracks in your walls represent cracks in your relationship
Home renovations can be hard on couples, but are rarely the underlying cause of problems, experts say
Denise Hayward was left without a toilet for 36 hours during a bathroom renovation.
“I was nearly in tears,” said Hayward, whose husband resorted to using their Maryvale/Wexford backyard to relieve himself, a move that heightened tensions the couple had been having for weeks.
That was her breaking point; she resolved never to renovate again.
Indeed, home renovations can be stressful — all that noise and dust are bound to get on a homeowner’s nerves — and a new survey from Houzz Inc found that 40 per cent of Canadians described remodelling with their partner as “frustrating,” 25 per cent called it “difficult” and 9 per cent called it “painful.”
But common as it is, renovations causing relationship stress could be a sign of bigger problems, says one Toronto psychotherapist.
“It’s usually not the renovation, it’s something that happened earlier,” said Michelle Fischler, a certified psychotherapist, explaining she can typically trace clients’ relationship problems back to other issues, such as a layoff, an affair or a miscarriage.
Renovations can also draw out longsimmering issues such as how a couple deals with conflict, she said.
If the problems aren’t resolved before a renovation starts, tension can build and a couple can easily fall into a negative communication cycle, she warns.
Bianca Orfano and her fiancé know that all too well. For two months, they argued about dust.
“You couldn’t have anyone over because there was dust literally everywhere,” said the 27-year-old, who recently wrapped up home renovations with her fiancé, Andrew Branch, 33. “For me, it was too much.”
Engaged in August and living together for the first time, the renovation quickly exposed their differences: Orfano is a neat freak and Branch is OK with mess.
“She’d clean up the mess and it would be back to dust,” said Branch, who did most of the kitchen and bathroom renovation himself. “I’d laugh, but she would not be laughing. We’d butt heads. We just have different ways of doing things.”
It didn’t help that they were on a tight budget, had little experience doing hands-on renovations and were trying to plan a wedding at the same time. The two were so overwhelmed by the work — Orfano and her family painted most of the house — they’re planning on postponing their September wedding.
But they’re chalking it up to a learning experience. The two have learned to talk out their issues and have now decided if they ever take on another renovation, they’ll hire a contractor or at least a cleaner.
Contractor or not, homeowners have to be realistic about what they’re getting themselves into, said Damon Bennett, a contractor and TV personality. This means doing your own research, and having realistic expectations about time commitments, expenses, noise and mess, he said.
“People watch HGTV and they think everything can be done in an hour,” said Bennett, who’s worked on home renovator Mike Holmes’ TV shows. “Reality TV — and I’m part of that — has become a bit of an issue in terms of the expectations of the regular person.”
But Hayward, a show manager with the Building Industry and Land Development Association, approached the renovation with her eyes wide open.
It was simply that she was busy at work and relied on her husband, Steve, a laidback semi-retired musician, to handle the day-to-day errands.
“I’d say, ‘Go to Home Depot,’ and he’d go to Lowe’s. He screwed it up every single time,” said Hayward, who admits she started to nag.
“He started to spend a lot more time at the gym. I think he was probably at the pub beside the gym.”
They eventually secured a new, working toilet but the experience was scarring. After the contractor finished up the January-to-March renovation, Hayward promised it would be their last — until she decided their home needed add an outdoor bar a few months later.
So how did the couple, married 39 years, ultimately resolve their issues?
“We just stopped communicating,” said Hayward. “Eventually the memory will go away for one of us.”