Amazing Grace
Celebrating people’s lives — and giving them a chance to feel special — is at the heart of holding ‘living funerals’
“It’s bringing death into general conversation.” CYNDY NEILLY-SPENCE CEREMONY OFFICIANT, ON LIVING FUNERALS
Grace Stephens gingerly steps into a room fit for royalty. The 79-year-old grandmother is clad in a handmade, golden, buttoned frock and glimmering gold jewelry — delicate earrings and a necklace — with her nails painted to match. She surveys the scene: Damask walls, elegant wall sconces, and a long dining table featuring more than a dozen teas, mint and cucumber sandwiches, and a rainbow of macarons. “Oh my goodness,” Stephens says softly. “Now this — this is what you call a tea.” A moment later, with a smile, she adds: “I’m a queen for the night.”
To her family and friends, gathered here on a December afternoon at Toronto’s Fairmont Royal York hotel, she truly is.
Around a dozen guests attended afternoon tea at Stephens’ suite — a spot usually reserved for the likes of Queen Elizabeth II, Richard Gere, Justin Bieber and members of the Rolling Stones — to pay tribute to their beloved relative and friend.
While Stephens may be getting older, and currently coping with cancer, she’s still full of life. With that in mind, her son Dean Roberts, the second-oldest of four boys, decided to memorialize his mom, giving her a chance to live out her longheld dream of staying at the Royal York.
Experts in the funeral and officiant fields say having a celebration of life while the guest of honour is still there to witness it is growing more common, with the concept of a memorial before death — sometimes called a “living funeral” — gaining steam in Canada and beyond.
“It’s something that I think is going to be emerging, especially with our euthanasia laws. It’s bringing death into general conversation,” says Cyndy Neilly-Spence, a Toronto-based ceremony officiant.
The Supreme Court struck Canada’s ban on euthanasia last year and gave the government until June to draft new legislation. She says these before-death events create a real opportunity to bring loved ones together to say thank-you and share how someone influenced their lives.
Nashville-based author and speaker Alicia King, who focuses on grief support, says the concept is growing in popularity — not because it’s a trend, but rather a shift in how people view the funeral experience.
According to new survey results from Canadian-owned funeral company Arbor Memorial, more than half of Canadians between the ages of 55 and 64 want their funeral to be a celebration of life, the survey found, while 45 per cent think it’s important to have the ability to customize their own funeral.
“Baby boomers kind of flipped the script on funerals, and they’ve certainly grown to a new level the practice of pre-planning their funerals,” King notes, adding it’s not a huge leap from planning your own funeral to actually attending it.
Outside North America, funerals before death have been popular in Japan — a country with one of the longest life expectancies in the world — for several decades. “Emphasizing the pre-funeral’s practical value, its supporters say they reduce stress on families,” writes the University of Notre Dame’s Satsuki Kawano. “A full-fledged funeral strains survivors emotionally and financially.”
The atmosphere and cost for a living funeral can be completely different from a traditional, sombre funeral ceremony, King says. Maybe everyone wears black or no one wears black; maybe it’s casual or an extravagant party. “I think a lot of what appeals people to this idea is throwing out the rule book.”
King has heard of a living funeral where a fellow who rode crew in college wanted to have the event in a boathouse by the river. Another woman was a hairstylist, so the celebration was held at a spa to have a “day of beauty.”
For Roberts, the day was about making his mother’s Royal York wish come true and bringing together her loved ones in the process. One of his friends, a senior executive in the Canadian hospitality industry, helped make Stephens’ stay at the iconic suite a reality.
“My mother is always someone to put the needs of someone else ahead of her own,” Roberts says. “She would do anything for her kids.”
Stephens moved to Canada from Guyana in 1959 at 23 — out of “curiosity,” she says with a mischievous grin — and many attendees have known her for decades, dating back to her days growing up in the coastal South American country.
“We never lost touch because she’s such a special person,” says Patricia Archer, a family friend who has known Stephens all her life.
Starting the day in the suite’s living room, an elegant space lined with cream-coloured wainscotting, the group shared laughs, swapping stories about cooking their favourite Guyanese dishes and how to use every last bit of a coconut.
Before tea, Stephens opened the meal with a prayer. Then, her guests chimed in by giving thanks.
“Thank you for being my friend all these years.”
“Thank you for being the best mother-in-law ever.”
Stephens, standing at the head of the table, beamed.
When asked if others should consider similar living memorials for their loved ones, Stephens didn’t hesitate.
“In life, when somebody passes, you say how wonderful they are,” Stephens says. “Try to tell them when they’re here and they can hear it — and they can thank you.” More than a funeral If you’re considering a living funeral for yourself or a family member, there are a few things to keep in mind. Industry experts Alicia King, Cyndy Neilly-Spence and Donna Belk offers their advice. Default to the guest of honour Planning a living funeral should involve the person at the heart of the celebration and truly be something they want to do — and definitely not a surprise. “It shouldn’t be something where a daughter wants to do it for her dad, and he comes kicking and screaming into the room,” says Belk. If the guest of honour prefers a casual family room gathering, but other family members want a church ceremony, King says loved ones should default to the guest of honour’s wishes. “When planning, stay focused on them.” Keep it classy “This is not the time to settle scores, confess, plead your case, or otherwise tell the guest of honour anything an attendee might wish to get off their chest,” says King. Also, don’t assume the person dying wants to take a selfie with you. “Many, if not most living celebrations include taking pictures, but again, default to their wishes,” she says. “Dying is as individual as living, and should be respected as such.” Consider comfort levels Living funerals and other before-death celebrations may be gaining steam, but they’re far from ubiqui- tous. Keeping attendees’ comfort levels in mind for these non-traditional ceremonies is key, says King. “Not everyone is familiar (or) comfortable with the living funeral, so some relatives may not participate, then be upset by others’ absence at a traditional funeral.” Some attendees may also get emotional — which could be upsetting for other guests, including the guest of honour. “It’s important to have a plan in advance so the attendee can be gently calmed and re-enter the party (or) ceremony,” King says. Think outside the box If the guest of honour wants a non-traditional living funeral, it’s a good opportunity to go beyond the black outfits and candles. A few ideas:
Hold a celebration circle. At this type of celebration, it’s a good opportunity to share thanks and appreciation for a loved one.
Use stones to share words of love. Neilly-Spence suggests having a bowl of stones at the door when you come in, and provide markers so guests can write a few words on each stone about the guest of honour’s role in their life. “All those stories could be buried with them,” she explains.
Create a word mosaic. Available at Life.scapes.com, the service allows guests to input words and phrases about their loved one on an iPad kiosk — and watch the word mosaic grow in real-time on a screen.